


KingsSquad

by sherlocksbuttonhole (daleksanddetectives)



Series: KingsSquad [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: BFF Harry and Merlin, BFF Roxy and Eggsy, Clumsy Harry, Cute Dogs, Eggsy is a Little Shit, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Group chat, Harry as Arthur, Harry's House Lives, Humor, M/M, Post-Movie(s), Tattooed Merlin, Texting, long-suffering Merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2018-09-18 12:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 27,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9384545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daleksanddetectives/pseuds/sherlocksbuttonhole
Summary: scrambled_eggsyaddedrmorton,Emrys,andgalahad.srto KingsSquadrmorton: whyscrambled_eggsy: why notOr: the Kingsman groupchat fic no-one asked for.





	1. scrambled_eggsy: why not

**Author's Note:**

> I've always loved all those group chat fics so I decided to finally write one for my faves! This was going to be slow burn for the ships (and there will be more besides Harry/Eggsy coming in future chapters) but then Eggsy happened.  
> (Also this includes Charlie going on the headcanon that he survived V-Day and Kingsman took him back in to retrain. He's technically a good guy now but he's still Charlie lmao)
> 
> Usernames are:  
> scrambled_eggsy - Eggsy  
> rmorton - Roxy  
> Emrys - Merlin  
> galahad.sr - Harry  
> PercivalM - Percival  
> KingHesketh - Charlie

**scrambled_eggsy** _added_ **rmorton** , **Emrys** , _and_ **galahad.sr** _to KingsSquad_

 **rmorton** : why

 **scrambled_eggsy** : why not

 **Emrys** : Exactly what part of “highest level of discretion” made you think “let me add all my spy friends to an unsecure group chat”?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : why not 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : means we’re all in the same place now dunnit

 **galahad.sr** : All four of us. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i don’t have anyone else’s # alright add whoever it’s just useful if you need to contact someone

 **Emrys** : Or I could just ring their phone or check their glasses whereabouts.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : not all of us have those stalkerish tendencies 

 **galahad.sr** : Lol

 **rmorton** : harry hart did you just use lol

 **galahad.sr** : I assume I used it in the right context? 

 **rmorton** : you did, well done

 **scrambled_eggsy** : courtesy of yours truly

 **rmorton** : so that’s what the two of you get up to when you stay over? 

 **galahad.sr** : He also eats the contents of my fridge and gets JB’s toys everywhere 

 **Emrys** : I don’t see you complaining. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : u love me really haz

 **galahad.sr** : Not when you call me that I don’t

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :(

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i stopped calling you bruv didnt i there’s nothin wrong with haz

 **rmorton** : can you two maybe take your lover’s tiff away from the group chat

 **scrambled_eggsy** : were nnot loverrrs??

 **galahad.sr** : We’re not lovers 

 **rmorton** : sure

: :

 **rmorton** : hey eggs can i add charlie? he’s been opening up a bit more recently being in the chat with everyone might help him after y’know

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah sure

 **scrambled_eggsy** : add percy while ur at it i need to ask him something but don’t have his number

 **rmorton** : okay

 **rmorton** _added_ **KingHesketh** _and_ **PercivalM** _to the chat_

 **PercivalM** : Is KingsSquad how we’re being rebranded, Harry? I have to say I preferred Kingsman. 

 **galahad.sr** : Very funny

 **PercivalM** : And why are you still calling yourself Galahad? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : because i changed it to g senior when he got promoted and he can’t work out how to change it back lmao

 **PercivalM** : Ah. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : btw percy did u take my jumper from the changing room the other day? somehow i have yours

 **PercivalM** : Yes, sorry. I must have picked it up by mistake. I'll leave it with Dagonet tomorrow when I come in. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ta

 **KingHesketh:** why am I here?

 **galahad.sr** : You're a member of Kingsman, you have every right to be here

 **KingHesketh** : whatever 

 **Emrys** : Don’t think I’m not still keeping an eye on you. 

 **KingHesketh** : does this mean you at least trust I won’t spill any secrets now? 

 **Emrys** : Not at all, but I hope your chat with Arthur and I has made you reconsider. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we’re good now tho right 

 **KingHesketh** : you electrocuted me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah? you got me shot

 **KingHesketh** : I suppose we’re even, even though I still have trouble with my right eye

 **galahad.sr** : I understand that feeling 

 **KingHesketh** : how DID you survive anyway? I heard Valentine telling my family about the pesky spy and he was pretty certain you were a goner

 **scrambled_eggsy** : magic

 **rmorton** : ^^^ 

 **PercivalM** : Stubbornness. 

 **Emrys** : He has a thick skull.

 **galahad.sr** : All correct

 **KingHesketh** : k

: :

 **galahad.sr** _changed their username to_   **(h)Arthur**

 **PercivalM** : I see Eggsy is currently at Harry’s.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : what makes you think that 

 **PercivalM** : He wouldn’t be able to change it without help and I know he would never go to Merlin for it.

 **(h)Arthur** : Nice to see you have faith in me Percival

 **(h)Arthur** : But yes, Eggsy is currently with me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m his guest and he won’t even make me a cup of tea smh 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : says he’s pinned down by jb 

 **(h)Arthur** : Well, I am

 **rmorton** : he’s barely 8kg soaking wet 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he wouldn’t weigh as much as he does if harry didn’t give him so many treats 

 **rmorton** : well if you didn’t practically live there 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : harry stop giving him biscuits 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m not

 **scrambled_eggsy** : unless you suddenly lost all your manners im pretty sure jb is the only one in this house that chews loudly enough for me to hear in the kitchen

 **rmorton** : swerved around that comment then 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :) 

 **Emrys** : I’m too old for this. 

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : rooooox 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s so unfair h is wearing those trousers that are just that little bit too tight on his arse and the navy pec hugging cardigan again and he’s sitting there cooing at jb this is too much 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : rox??? u there???

 **rmorton** : eggsy look where you sent that 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : what?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : SHIT 

 **PercivalM** : Interesting. 

 **rmorton** : yep

 **(h)Arthur** : Eggsy is shouting at me not to check my phone. What has he done?

 **PercivalM** : Scroll up.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no harry dont scroll up pls

 **scrambled_eggsy** : please

 **(h)Arthur** : Ah I see

 **(h)Arthur** : Eggsy come out of the bathroom 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no

 **(h)Arthur** : Please? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Eggsy?

 **KingHesketh** : ugh just deal with it Unwin

 **rmorton** : has anyone heard from harry or eggsy? it’s been half an hour

 **rmorton** : i tried ringing him and it went to voicemail 

 **Emrys** : I’ll check Harry’s security. 

 **Emrys** : They’re fucking. 

 **rmorton** : WHAT 

 **Emrys** : Kidding. They’re just talking. At least Eggsy didn’t hop out of the bathroom window. 

 **Emrys** : Not that he’d fit. 

 **rmorton** : i’m sure there’s a story in that comment but are they okay?

 **Emrys** : The story is we were young and I bet Harry that he could climb out of his window and we ended up having to call a fire engine and an ambulance. 

 **Emrys** : Everything seems fine, although it looks like we all owe Percy £20. 

 **PercivalM** : You all know my PayPal. 

 **Emrys** : They were hugging but JB pushed between them, I have to admit even I am finding this rather sweet. 

 **Emrys** : _hugscreenshot.jpg_

 **rmorton** : that is pretty sweet

 **KingHesketh** : this means they’re going to be disgusting all around HQ now doesn’t it

 **scrambled_eggsy** : wtf guys 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : did you really have to check harry’s security guv? 

 **Emrys** : Roxy was worried. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and you had a betting pool on us?? rox u snitch 

 **rmorton** : i didn’t say anything you were being so obvious we all got in on it 

 **rmorton** : you could have waited another week to get together 

 **(h)Arthur** : Percival, you know which scotch I like

 **PercivalM** : We’ll see once I’ve added up my winnings. 

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : rox he let me borrow the cardigan and it smells so nice and we got takeaway and watched a film and he let me sit in his lap i’m kinda glad i sent that thing to the wrong chat 

 **rmorton** : eggsy look where you sent this again 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i said what i said 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ;)

 **KingHesketh** : can you not 

 **(h)Arthur** : :)


	2. Emrys: Harry, no.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : OKAY SO 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : harry’s birthday is coming up and i want to have a little surprise party for him at his house 
> 
> **Emrys** : He told you his birthday? It took me twenty years to wheedle his birthday out of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments on the first chapter! This fic is just me having a bit of fun so I'm glad it made some of you laugh!
> 
> Reminder of usernames:   
> scrambled_eggsy - Eggsy  
> rmorton - Roxy  
> Emrys - Merlin  
> (h)Arthur - Harry  
> PercivalM - Percival  
> KingHesketh - Charlie

**(h)Arthur** : Eggsy and I went to the cinema today to see a film about the Krays and he doesn’t believe me when I say he looks like the actor who was cast as Mad Teddy Smith

**(h)Arthur** : _eggsyteddy.jpg_

**rmorton** : that’s kind of scary actually 

**PercivalM** : Eggsy, are you sure you don’t have an actor relative? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck off mate we look nothin alike 

**scrambled_eggsy** : my only living blood relatives are my mum, sister and granny 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we have the same eye colour maybe but i look way better in a suit than him 

**Emrys** : Good Lord, there’s two of them wandering around. 

**KingHesketh** : one Eggsy is enough for anyone

**(h)Arthur** : .........

**Emrys** : Harry, no.

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : OKAY SO 

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry’s birthday is coming up and i want to have a little surprise party for him at his house 

**Emrys** : He told you his birthday? It took me twenty years to wheedle his birthday out of him.

**scrambled_eggsy** : no but you’re gonna have to step up the security on arthur’s laptop lmao 

**scrambled_eggsy** : anyway i thought we could order in from his fav takeaway and have a bit of a drink and that 

**rmorton** : eggsy you know he’s in this chat don’t you? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s asleep upstairs and i took his phone and he never checks it unless someone tells him to or it goes off in his hand

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s gonna be sleeping for a while yet ;) 

**KingHesketh** : can I go back in time to when I hadn’t read that

**Emrys** : Likewise.

**PercivalM** : I would be happy to come to a party. He doesn’t still have Mr Pickle above the loo does he? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but the trick is not to look him in the eye while you do ur business

**Emrys** : I’ll see if I can get the time off. 

**rmorton** : i’ll be there 

**KingHesketh** : am I invited?

**scrambled_eggsy** : ya 

**KingHesketh** : then yes I guess I’ll come over for a drink or two

**scrambled_eggsy** : cool i’ll get some drinks in but if there’s anything you want in particular just bring it

: :

**scambled_eggsy** : right so thursday at seven??

**Emrys** : I’ll make sure we’re all off the rota for that day. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers guv 

**(h)Arthur** : What’s happening? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : um 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i thought you were asleep babe

**(h)Arthur** : I just woke up and couldn’t find my phone so I’m on my tablet

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh 

**scrambled_eggsy** : just thought we could have some drinks at ours this week and thurs is the day we’re all free 

**rmorton** : ooh when did it become “ours” 

**scrambled_eggsy** : like yesterday 

**KingHesketh** : didn’t you get together less than a week ago? 

**(h)Arthur** : He spends most of his free time here so a lot of his things were in the house anyway. It was more a matter of moving the rest of his clothes and picking up his games consoles

**scrambled_eggsy** : mums already turning my room into a play room for daiz i’ve barely been out five minutes

**(h)Arthur** : To be fair, dear, you did offer to put in some shelving and a desk for her when we were picking up your things

**scrambled_eggsy** : i didn’t expect her to say yeah so quickly tho

**(h)Arthur** : Who’s coming this week anyway?

**scrambled_eggsy** : all of us i think

**(h)Arthur** : Then remind me to hoover the sofa or anyone who sits there will end up covered in fur

**rmorton** : don’t worry about that harry, percy and i spend our lives covered in poodle fluff 

**rmorton** : can merlot come with us by the way i’m sure she’d like to see jb 

**scrambled_eggsy** : of course

**Emrys** : You know how many lint rollers I go through in a month for Arthur. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i know harry sheds a lot but he hasn’t lost that much hair? 

**(h)Arthur** : Arthur is Merlin’s cat and she’s more fur than animal 

**scambled_eggsy** : you named your cat arthur

**Emrys** : I did. I never expected that she would end up sharing her name with Harry. She isn’t named after anyone but the story. 

**rmorton** : how old is she?

**Emrys** : She’ll be twenty this year. 

**rmorton** : wow 

**Emrys** : Anyway, I’ve taken us all off the schedule for Thursday. You’re all back on for Friday so make sure you don’t get too off your faces. 

**(h)Arthur** : No promises 

: :

**KingHesketh** : I just realised I don’t actually know where Harry lives 

**Emrys** : Are you still at the manor? 

**KingHesketh** : yeah 

**Emrys** : Come to my office and we can leave together. I’m setting off in twenty minutes. 

**KingHesketh** : I’ll be down soon 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox percy where are you guys? 

**rmorton** : sorry we had to visit mum and dad so we’re running late 

**rmorton** : you can order our food for us if you want

**scrambled_eggsy** : will do, the usual for you? 

**rmorton** : yes please, percy wants the house curry 

**PercivalM** : We should only be half an hour or so

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll get your beer chilling 

: :

**KingHesketh** : wait you and Percival are related? 

**rmorton** : technically no he was married to my brother james who was the previous lancelot and our parents have always treated percy like their own 

**rmorton** : also answer the door it’s freezing out here

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : foods here everyone get in the kitchen

: :

**rmorton** : i’m going to assume the number of candles on the cake weren’t related to harry’s age 

**Emrys** : Of course not, you’d need far more if you were going to be accurate. 

**(h)Arthur** : I’m one year older than you, you daft bastard

**Emrys** : I expect no less than my age on my cake this year in that case. 

**PercivalM** : I’m still amazed that we actually managed to surprise you. 

**KingHesketh** : and Merlin managed to catch your reaction on film

**(h)Arthur** : Well, when you all said it was a get together I assumed it was just a get together 

**(h)Arthur** : Thank you for the lovely evening 

**rmorton** : you’d best thank eggsy, he was the one who planned it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he thanked me not long after you all left lmao 

**Emrys** : At least you waited until we were gone. 


	3. scrambled_eggsy: hey rox you got a date yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **SophMH** : Thank you. Can I ask why I’ve been added to this chat? 
> 
> **Emrys** : Roxy wanted to speak with you. 
> 
> **SophMH** : Lancelot, yes? 
> 
> **rmorton** : yeah hi 
> 
> **rmorton** : i just wanted to ask if we could have a chat 
> 
> **rmorton** : privately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of focus on Roxy this chapter~ Thank you again for the nice comments so far! 
> 
> Usernames:  
> scrambled_eggsy - Eggsy  
> rmorton - Roxy  
> Emrys - Merlin  
> (h)Arthur - Harry  
> PercivalM - Percival  
> KingHesketh - Charlie

**rmorton** : hey merlin do you happen to have a contact number for the girl we had to seduce during our tests? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : sophie wasn’t it? 

 **Emrys** : Lady Sophie Montague-Herring? 

 **rmorton** : that’s her 

**Emrys** _added_ **SophMH** _to the chat_

**rmorton** : wait 

 **SophMH** : Hello? 

 **Emrys** : Roxy, this is Lady Sophie Montague-Herring aka your seduction target aka a member of my staff down in tech. 

 **Emrys** : She works in the research department.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit she worked for kingsman this whole time?? 

 **SophMH** : Yes? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s some quality undercover work 

 **SophMH** : Thank you. Can I ask why I’ve been added to this chat? 

 **Emrys** : Roxy wanted to speak with you. 

 **SophMH** : Lancelot, yes? 

 **rmorton** : yeah hi 

 **rmorton** : i just wanted to ask if we could have a chat 

 **rmorton** : privately 

 **SophMH** : Of course. Add me and we can start a private chat. 

 **rmorton** : okay 

 **SophMH** : I’m going to leave this group for now if that’s all. Feel free to add me again if I’m needed! 

**SophMH** _left the chat_

**PercivalM** : Is this going where I think its going? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s been ten minutes 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey rox you got a date yet

 **rmorton** : of course 

 **PercivalM** : That’s my girl. 

 **rmorton** : :)

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : okay i just picked up “my” jumper from dagonet finally and percy this isn’t mine it’s charlies

 **PercivalM** : Are you certain?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yep this is def charlies the initials on the inside tag are supposed to say glu in sharpie and this one has one of those surname tags my mum used to put in my school jumpers and it says hesketh

 **scrambled_eggsy** : where the fuck has mine gone?? i liked that jumper it was warm :(

 **KingHesketh** : can you at least return mine then, I was wondering where it went 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah i’m on the shuttle now, should be at hq in ten minutes i’ll bring it up to ur room

 **(h)Arthur** : Eggsy, you may wish to check JB’s bedding when you get home

 **scrambled_eggsy** : why whats he done now

 **(h)Arthur** : _jbbed.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that little shit is that my jumper

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m afraid so

 **(h)Arthur** : You aren’t the only one who thought it was warm, he probably stole it from the washing basket 

 **KingHesketh** : didn’t you lose it before you got with Harry? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but i’d sometimes stick stuff in with harry’s laundry because he uses a nice fabric softener jb must have taken it then

 **scrambled_eggsy** : the little shit 

 **rmorton** : you love him really 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah i do 

 **Emrys** : Well you know what they say, dogs always end up like their owners. 

 **(h)Arthur:** They’re both trouble makers who eat all my food and take up my whole bed if that’s what you mean? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you love us both :)

 **(h)Arthur** : God help me, I do

 **KingHesketh** : barf

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : sooo rox how’d the date go

 **rmorton** : it went?

 **rmorton** : we had a nice night out but we decided to just be friends

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :(

 **rmorton** : it’s okay, i have another date lined up this weekend 

 **rmorton** : with someone you might know :)

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ???

 **scrambled_eggsy** : rox c’mon you can’t leave us hanging like that

 **scrambled_eggsy** : rooooox 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fine don’t tell us :(

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : TILDE 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you went on a date with princess tilde??

 **rmorton** : she’s queen now actually 

 **PercivalM** : She’s the one you rescued from Valentine’s lair, isn’t she? 

 **Emrys** : Also the one Eggsy forgot to remove his glasses while he slept with her. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i apologised for that didn’t i guv 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : for the glasses thing not sleeping with her 

 **KingHesketh** : so while I was lying there unconscious you were off shagging a princess 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : not sorry

 **scrambled_eggsy** : she’s cute and really sweet though rox i’m not surprised you got on well with her 

 **rmorton** : thank you we’re going out again for lunch tomorrow 

 **PercivalM** : Should your parents and I start looking at venues this weekend? 

 **rmorton** : very funny 

 **rmorton** : if anyone is getting married you’re better off looking at JB’s dads

 **scrambled_eggsy** : oi we can see this 

 **rmorton** : i know

 **Emrys** : I suppose this is why you asked for any missions based around Sweden to be sent your way.

 **rmorton** : maybe 

 **(h)Arthur** : I don’t see why Roxy shouldn’t get them, do understand that if you do get sent there it isn’t a paid holiday and you will have a job to do 

 **rmorton** : of course, sir

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ooh rox droppin in the sir

 **rmorton** : we talked about it when we went out the other day and we agreed that our jobs come first, being a ruler of a country is important and i enjoy the good work i can do as an agent

 **rmorton** : and eggsy don’t act like you’ve never called him sir don’t forget i know exactly what you’re into 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shhhh

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m glad to hear that and I must say I’m very happy to see you growing into such a responsible agent 

 **PercivalM** : You took the words straight out of my mouth. 

 **rmorton** : thank you :) 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : don’t think they’re tryin to bully u btw rox you should have heard the speech merlin gave us 

 **Emrys** : Like I told you, just because you’re shagging the boss doesn’t mean you get special privileges. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : see? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : but he was doing the scary face 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : at least you won’t have to fill out like a book of paperwork 

 **PercivalM** : A book? James and I only had one A4 sheet each. 

 **KingHesketh** : I think Merlin might have been fucking with you Eggsy 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m not even surprised

 **scrambled_eggsy** : dammit

 **Emrys** : And you both fell for it.

 **Emrys** : :)


	4. Emrys: Eggsy incoming.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emrys** : Eggsy incoming. 
> 
> **Emrys** : 3...2...1...
> 
>  **scrambled_eggsy** : DID ANY OF YOU KNOW HARRY HAS A BROTHER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of background on the older agents this chapter~ Thank you for the comments and kudos so far!

**Emrys** : Eggsy incoming. 

 **Emrys** : 3...2...1...

 **scrambled_eggsy** : DID ANY OF YOU KNOW HARRY HAS A BROTHER 

 **Emrys** : Here we go. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks for the countdown merlin 

 **PercivalM** : I was aware he isn’t an only child.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and he isn’t just a brother he’s an identical twin like wtf 

 **Emrys** : Oh but Eggsy, please tell them what happened. 

 **Emrys** : In the same descriptive way you did in your phone call just now. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : what how i just grabbed a stranger’s arse in tesco thinking he was my boyfriend 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and then got confused when he turned around because he looks like said boyfriend but was standing there with a lady (who was clearly his wife) and a baby and had no idea who i was

 **rmorton** : omg eggsy 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and then said boyfriend had a laughing fit in the middle of the bread aisle while his brother and boyfriend stood there confused 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : not exactly how i was hoping to be introduced to his family

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we got home ten minutes ago and he’s still laughing in the pantry

 **scrambled_eggsy** : _harrywhy.vid_

 **rmorton** : harry has a nice laugh 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : doesn’t he?? 

 **PercivalM** : You could always consider not groping your boyfriend in public. James learned the hard way that my father and I looked very similar from the back.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : im gonna pass on not groping him in public its the only time i can get him to blush

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i still can’t believe it they even dress the same 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ll have you know my brother has never step foot inside a tailors so no, we don’t dress alike

 **(h)Arthur** : And did you really film me laughing? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yes i did and im going to treasure it forever :*

 **(h)Arthur** : Like I said I would with the video I have of you and JB snoring like lawn mowers? 

 **rmorton** : eggsy doesn’t snore does he? i had the bed next to his for almost a year and i never heard him

 **(h)Arthur** : He does when he’s exhausted after a mission and he sounds very much like heavy machinery 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : cheers :/

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey percy i just thought 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : did you change your name when you got married? 

 **PercivalM** : Why the sudden interest? 

 **PercivalM** : Planning something? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : nah just curious about your username harry already knows what i’d want to do with my name if we did do it 

 **PercivalM** : Well, my real name is Percival Spencer and James decided to take my surname, he never did tell me why. 

 **PercivalM** : My parents died shortly after James and I met, so his and Roxy’s parents felt the need to take me under their wings as it were when we started dating. When he was killed I ended up spending a lot of time with them before and after V-Day and I legally changed my name to Morton recently. 

 **KingHesketh** : you’re really called percival? 

 **PercivalM** : I am, comes in handy when targets think they’ve blown my cover and code name and I can show them my civilian ID and prove that I am indeed named Percival and am just a “tourist in the wrong place at the wrong time”.

 **PercivalM** : Why do you go by Eggsy, if you don’t mind me asking?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you eat so many eggs as a kid and it sticks 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i don’t even really like them that much anymore but my dad gave me the nickname and mum just kept calling me it while he was away with the marines and now barely anyone even knows im called gary 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : my middle name is lee if u were wondering

 **KingHesketh** : your name is Gary??

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah?? didn’t you pay attention to the score boards at the range? 

 **KingHesketh** : I was too busy looking at my own profile on them to be honest

 **scrambled_eggsy** : at least you admit it 

: :

 **scrambled_eggsy** : okay so harry’s brother is hilarious 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he has even better stories than you merlin 

 **Emrys** : Well, I did meet him when he was 13. Mark will have stories from their childhood and I’m sure he was a little shit even then. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : did you know haz was in a gang when he was a teenager

 **scrambled_eggsy** : they wore leather jackets with “pretty boys” studded on the back and stood around looking good

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and guess who just found the jacket in the attic

 **scrambled_eggsy** : _prettyboy.jpg_

 **rmorton** : you are the prettiest boy eggsy 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yes i am 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : harry doesn’t think he looks good in this one but look how cute we are 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : _prettyboys.jpg_

 **Emrys** : Dear Lord, I remember that.

 **(h)Arthur** : Don’t act like you weren’t also walking around in a leather jacket with a name on the back 

 **Emrys** : That’s because I wasn’t walking. I was on my motorbike. 

 **rmorton** : you had a motorbike?

 **(h)Arthur** : He still does

 **(h)Arthur** : I admit I was quite intimidated by and scared of Merlin when we first met

 **KingHesketh** : I thought you two were like, best friends? 

 **Emrys** : Not to begin with. Most people were scared of me if I’m honest. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i am now 

 **KingHesketh** : same

 **rmorton** : agreed

 **Emrys** : As you should be. 

 **(h)Arthur** : We met, had an argument, and then hated each other for oh, it must have been the first two years of our acquaintance 

 **Emrys** : And then you started walking around wearing that ridiculous jacket and the rest is history. 

 **PercivalM** : Weren’t the two of you together when we met? 

 **Emrys** : Yes, we were in an on and off relationship from sixteen to our early thirties. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : what??????

 **(h)Arthur** : Have I never mentioned that? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no???? i mean i can see it i actually thought you were together when i first met you both but still 

 **Emrys** : We realised we were better off just as friends.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i can’t believe harry attracted merlin by wearing a pretty boys jacket 

 **Emrys** : Well, you can’t say I don’t know what I like. 

 **(h)Arthur** : If you look at his history before and after me you’ll find that he certainly has a type

 **scrambled_eggsy** : omg wait i just found a some photos in the box this jacket was in 

 **Emrys** : I dread to think. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : _cute.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : look at teenage merlin and harry!!

 **rmorton** : that’s so adorable, harry’s hair is so fluffy! how old are you there 

 **Emrys** : We must have been about nineteen there and that’s Guinevere my bike that Harry’s sitting on. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you like king arthur don’t you bruv

 **Emrys** : My grandfather was actually the previous Merlin so when I joined Kingsman all the Arthurian legends he read to me growing up suddenly made sense.

 **PervcialM** : That’s a nice bike. Is it the same model as you have now? It looks very similar.

 **Emrys** : Its the same bike, I’ve kept her running smoothly and she’s as good as the day I got her. 

 **(h)Arthur** : He even has a little rainbow flag he got in the 70s and still puts on her for Pride every year

 **Emrys** : You say that as if you weren’t a living embodiment of a rainbow every year we attended. 

 **Emrys** : Sorry, *aren’t. 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ll have you know I’ve toned it down in recent years and that rainbow tie is very nice 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ry and jam got me a snapback in the bi flag colours when i came out to them and i havent had a chance to wear it yet can i come with you guys this year if you're going 

 **Emrys** : Of course, if you like.

 **Emrys** : I might even give you a ride on Guinevere if you’re lucky. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : YES PLEASE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The jacket thing is inspired by this [text post](http://weahboo.tumblr.com/post/133499100158/my-grandpa-was-in-a-gang-called-the-pretty-boys) on tumblr because the first time I saw it I immediately thought: young Harry Hart


	5. Emrys: Thank you Sherlock Hart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **KingHesketh** : is that Eggsy?? 
> 
> **PercivalM** : Wow. 
> 
> **Emrys** : That’s impressive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two headcanons;  
> 1) Eggsy has an amazing singing voice  
> 2) Eggsy has Harry wrapped around his little finger (and Harry is 100% okay with this)

**rmorton** : tilde just sent me a video i think you all need to see 

 **rmorton** _added_ **> Tilde<** _to the chat_

 **rmorton** : do you still have the link to that video 

 **> Tilde<**: [[link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93jTfJgF_bA)]

 **KingHesketh** : is that Eggsy?? 

 **PercivalM** : Wow. 

 **Emrys** : That’s impressive. 

 **rmorton** : i know right! 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : my people are talking about me senses are tingling 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : the fuck is that 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s not me guys sorry

 **(h)Arthur** : It clearly is, darling. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s probably that guy from the movie we saw 

 **(h)Arthur** : One; the actor we saw has a mole on his throat and while the young man in the video does not, he does have one in the same place as you on his arm and the same freckles on his jaw

 **(h)Arthur** : Two; the cameraman’s distinctive laugh belongs to your friend Ryan 

 **(h)Arthur** : And three; the outfit the young man in the video is wearing is quite literally drying on the radiator in the office right now

 **Emrys** : Thank you Sherlock Hart. 

 **(h)Arthur** : You’re welcome 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fine you got me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey merlin just letting you know i’ll return the gear i forgot to drop off after my mission after i go kill ryan for posting that video 

 **rmorton** : how could you not tell us you can sing?? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : because i knew you’d all react like this 

 **(h)Arthur** : I knew 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : only because you heard me singing to my sis when we were babysitting 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i was in the school choir briefly before i got kicked out for bad behaviour but i sing for my sis and my mum and that’s it

 **rmorton** : unless you’ve got a bit of drink in you like in the video 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : exactly why i prefer not to drink too much when i go out 

 **> Tilde<**: But your voice is amazing! I don’t know how that video only has 27 views.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : oh hey tilde 

 **> Tilde<**: Hello Eggsy. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m glad it hasn’t been seen much i wouldnt be a very good spy if the world knew my face 

 **KingHesketh** : yeah but if it had gone viral imagine all the shoes and hideous jackets you could get for free

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i mean 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s a nice idea and all but i can always go bat my eyelashes at harry 

 **KingHesketh** : and he actually buys you things?

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ve found it very difficult to say no to Eggsy when he turns on the charm

 **(h)Arthur** : And I quite enjoy seeing his face light up when I surprise him with things 

 **Emrys** : You’re a total pushover Hart. You were with me and Mr Pickle and you are with Eggsy and JB.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you say that like i dont buy him stuff too 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : (which i do thanks v much)

 **scrambled_eggsy** : people always assume harry’s money is the only reason i’m with him but hello if they actually knew how much one pair of my trainers cost they’d realise we’re pretty equal lmao 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : esp now i work for kingsman

 **(h)Arthur** : They also assume the other way in that you’re with me because they think you feel sorry for me or I’m forcing you to stay so you can keep your job

 **Emrys** : If only they could see the way you go at each other when you’ve been apart twenty-four hours. 

 **Emrys** : I wouldn’t mind brain bleach after seeing that when you forgot I was in the room.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we apologised for that didn’t we

 **Emrys** : And then continued what you were doing. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : well yeah harry had things to do 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ie me

 **(h)Arthur** : I think I just heard Merlin sigh all the way over on Savile Row

: : 

 **KingHesketh** : so if Eggsy’s name is Gary does that mean they’re Harry and Gary 

 **rmorton** : when harry met gary 

 **rmorton** : all the twists of a romantic comedy rated 15 for violence and swearing

 **scrambled_eggsy** : both of you can fuck right off

 **KingHesketh** : Haz and Gaz 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i hate both of you

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and for your info a film about us would obviously be rated 18 for smut and gore 

 **rmorton** : tmi eggs

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey is tilde still in the chat 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i see the green dot but that could just be someone checking for her 

 **Emrys** : Going by how Roxy keeps smiling at her phone I’d assume Tilde is online. 

 **> Tilde<**: Yes I am. 

 **> Tilde<**: Hello. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey t 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i guess everything is settling down over there now? i’ve only really been sent to america recently

 **> Tilde<**: Yes, finally. 

 **> Tilde<**: Our new prime minister was elected last week and I’m looking forward to working with him, he seems much nicer than the last. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah i met him in v’s lair he was definitely interesting 

 **> Tilde<**: I have to agree with you there, I don’t know how my father dealt with him.

 **> Tilde<**: Sorry, I’m going to have to go, I’ve just been reminded I have a meeting in ten minutes. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no worries, are you seeing rox any time soon btw? 

 **rmorton** : i have a recon mission next week so we’ll be spending a long weekend together

 **> Tilde<**: Thank you Merlin! 

 **Emrys** : You’re both welcome, I suppose. Don’t get used to it.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : so if you put me and harry on a paired mission in idk paris.........

 **Emrys** : No.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :( 

 **rmorton** : lmao


	6. (h)Arthur: Good to know you care Merlin :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : hey has anyone heard from harry today
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : he left this morning to go into the shop and said he’d bring me a mcd breakfast back but now its well past lunch time 
> 
> **Emrys** : Shit, I asked Gaius to ring you. 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : what why would our doctor be ringing me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the lovely comments! I keep meaning to reply to them but every time I go to I end up sitting and mentally going _aaaaaaah_ because you've all been so nice about my silly fic (*´♡`*)

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey has anyone heard from harry today

**scrambled_eggsy** : he left this morning to go into the shop and said he’d bring me a mcd breakfast back but now its well past lunch time 

**Emrys** : Shit, I asked Gaius to ring you. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what why would our doctor be ringing me 

**Emrys** : Harry is currently in the medical bay at HQ.

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin i swear if you sent him on a solo mission after we agreed he’d wait til his next assessment 

**Emrys** : I didn’t send him on a mission. I asked him to come into HQ to pick up some paperwork and now he’s in medical. 

**rmorton** : and eggsy doesn’t have his mcmuffin

**scrambled_eggsy** : what happened???

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m a bit upset about the muffin situation too not gonna lie

**PercivalM** : He fell down the stairs in the main entrance.

**Emrys** : Take the suspense away why don’t you Percival. 

**PercivalM** : And yes Eggsy, before you ask, we have it on film. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuckin seriously 

**PercivalM** : We couldn’t see exactly how it happened but he’s managed to twist his ankle and Gaius is keeping him in until tonight in case he banged his head. 

**KingHesketh** : it was probably on that loose bit of carpet halfway up, I only noticed it a few days ago so Harry wouldn’t know to be careful of it

**scrambled_eggsy** : is it horrible of me to say i’m not surprised? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : like i know as galahad he was feared with a huge kill count and all that but at home he’s the clumsiest person i’ve ever met 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s worse than my sister and she’s four

**scrambled_eggsy** : can i come and see him? i can take him home and keep an eye on him if gauis’ll let me i know he’ll be doing their heads in down there

**Emrys** : You might as well come in, I’ll check with medical but that should be fine considering how well you did in your first aid training. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers guv i’ll go get ready should only be an hour or so

**scrambled_eggsy** : and percy, i wouldn’t mind a copy of that video 

**PercivalM** : Already waiting in your inbox. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : youre the guvnor 

: :

**Emrys** : Harry I can see you hobble-sneaking about on the CCTV.

**Emrys** : Go back to your room and wait for Eggsy and Gaius to sign you out. 

**Emrys** : Thank you.

: :

**(h)Arthur** : Nice to know you all respect me as your boss even after watching me go arse over tea kettle

**Emrys** : I find it hilarious that you actually think you’re the boss. 

**(h)Arthur** : That’s fair

**Emrys** : I take it you’re home now?

**(h)Arthur** : Yes, Eggsy was a very helpful crutch getting me back to the house and he’s left me on the sofa with the television remote. He’s making a pot of tea now

**(h)Arthur** : He also showed me the video and I really went down hard, didn’t I? 

**PercivalM** : You almost gave poor Merlin a heart attack. 

**Emrys** : Almost. 

**(h)Arthur** : Good to know you care Merlin :)

**Emrys** : Oh, go back to your tea and biscuits and let the rest of us get back to work. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you can come round later to check on him if u want merlin

**scrambled_eggsy** : i know you’ll want to make sure i’m looking after him right :P 

**Emrys** : We’ll see, I may pop in if the world isn’t ending. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : bring us a mcd meal each and i might even make you a coffee and let you have the pick of one of harry’s baked goods he made yesterday

**Emrys** : I should be finished around eight.

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : look at these two 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i went to let jb out in the garden and came back to this 

**scrambled_eggsy** : _oldmen.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin dropped in an hour ago and they didn’t even get to dessert before they nodded off together on the sofa

**rmorton** : bless them, they do work hard and i know merlin doesn’t get as much sleep as he should 

**KingHesketh** : like you two can talk, I lost count the number of times you and Roxy fell asleep like that during training

**rmorton** : eggsy has a comfortable shoulder, we slept like that on the plane back from valentine’s too

**rmorton** : and you say that as though you never fell asleep on him either 

**KingHesketh** : because I didn’t

**rmorton** : _sleepyboys.jpg_

**KingHesketh** : what’s that 

**scrambled_eggsy** : wait we did what 

**rmorton** : it was after the overnight challenge you both barely made it back to the dorm and collapsed on the sofa 

**scrambled_eggsy** : how did you even get that picture

**rmorton** : its cctv footage, it isn’t that difficult to find on the servers if you know where to look

**scrambled_eggsy** : so who put the blanket on us 

**rmorton** : hugo i think, but you both drifted off to the opposite sides of the sofa after a while so i covered charlie after you stole the blanket

**KingHesketh** : blanket thief

**scrambled_eggsy** : you threw a bucket of water on me and my dog

**PercivalM** : Now, now, children.

**PercivalM** : Eggsy, I hope you didn’t have anything planned for tomorrow since it looks like Harry leaving the house is unlikely. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what’s tomorrow?

**PercivalM** : Valentine’s Day? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we didn’t even realise so luckily no plans got ruined 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i might make dinner for him since he cooks for me a lot 

**PercivalM** : That’s sweet of you. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m always sweet 

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox you up to anything tomorrow

**rmorton** : no, we’re going to skype tomorrow evening but i won’t be seeing her until she comes over in two weeks 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you can come round to ours if you want harry won’t mind neither of us are big on the whole valentines thing anyway

**scrambled_eggsy** : all of you can and i’ll make dinner and we can make an evening of it and watch a film or whatever

**scrambled_eggsy** : you too charlie unless you’ve got a secret gf you haven’t told us about 

**KingHesketh** : no secret girlfriend I’m afraid, but if you’ll have me then yes

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah course, percy? 

**PercivalM** : Yes, that would be lovely. Roxy is nodding her head too so count both of us as coming. You do know how to cook, yes? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : sort of i can do like pasta and sunday dinner and things

**PercivalM** : I can come round early and give you a hand if you’d like? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : omg thanks percy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : hang on they’re waking up i’ll run it past them and then we can sort what time

**(h)Arthur** : This is all fine, I baked some cakes yesterday so pudding is sorted already

**scrambled_eggsy** : great! see you all tomorrow for six? percy if you want to come round an hour or two before? 

**PercivalM** : I can do that, sleep on it and text me what you’re planning on making in the morning. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : will do bruv

**(h)Arthur** : Merlin says he’s too tired to use his phone right now but that he’ll join us 

**scrambled_eggsy** : tell him to get his arse upstairs i’ve just made up the guest room for him 

**(h)Arthur** : I’ve sent him on his way, now if you wouldn’t mind could you give your poor old man a hand up to our room? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : nah i thought i’d leave you on the couch babe 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you know when you can practically hear someone roll their eyes lmao 

**scrambled_eggsy** : anyway we’re all gonna head to bed now so see you all tomorrow 

**PercivalM** : See you tomorrow afternoon. 

**KingHesketh** : goodnight, I’ll try not to get lost getting to Harry’s again 

**rmorton** : night eggs 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :)


	7. (h)Arthur: Darling, stop overreacting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : whys perce doing the dishes?? i told him i’d do it later?? by putting them in the dishwasher??
> 
> **rmorton** : leave him to it, it’s just what he does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continues on pretty much directly from the last chapter~

**(h)Arthur** : So when exactly did my house become HQ for the KingsSquad?

**(h)Arthur** : I'm not complaining but it seems like all the gatherings we have are here

**Emrys** : You have the biggest house, we all live in flats or at HQ so there’s more room.

**(h)Arthur** : You have a point there

**(h)Arthur** : Also, I don’t know why Eggsy was accusing Merlin and I of being old men when he and Charlie are currently sleeping off their dinner on the sofa

**(h)Arthur** : _sleepyboys2.jpg_

**> Tilde<**: That’s adorable

**Emrys** : Isn’t Roxy upstairs talking to you?

**rmorton** : i am but i told her to check the chat because of the photos we’ve been posting recently 

**> Tilde<**: Roxy told me about the meal Eggsy made and I’m sad I missed it, it sounded delicious

**scrambled_eggsy** : it was, next time you’re over here i’ll make it again :)

**> Tilde<**: That would be lovely! 

**(h)Arthur** : Ah, Sleeping Beauty is awake

**scrambled_eggsy** : where is everyone btw? 

**Emrys** : Morgana called so I’m in the office, Percival is doing the dishes I believe, Roxy is in the guest room, and you have Harry and Charlie. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : whys perce doing the dishes?? i told him i’d do it later?? by putting them in the dishwasher??

**rmorton** : leave him to it, it’s just what he does 

**rmorton** : i always know he’s been in my flat because it’s cleaner than i left it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : your flat always looks like a show home tho 

**rmorton** : exactly 

**> Tilde<**: How are you Harry? I heard you’d injured your leg?

**(h)Arthur** : Eggsy has been looking after me and I’m not in much pain anymore, thank you for asking Tilde. It was just a fall, I’ve had much worse from doing less 

**Emrys** : Tilde, have you seen the video?

**> Tilde<**: No? 

**Emrys** : Imagine an over-emphasised cartoon character falling down some stairs and you have exactly what happened. 

**> Tilde<**: Wow 

**(h)Arthur** : Roxy can send it if you would like to see it

**scrambled_eggsy** : you can laugh too because he was fine 

**rmorton** : i’ll show you it later tilde 

**> Tilde<**: I can’t wait 

: :

**PercivalM** : I’ve put the leftovers into tupperware and left them in the fridge. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we made way too much how much is left 

**PercivalM** : About five boxes. I’ve also let the dogs in the garden so you won’t have to walk them before you sleep. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : if anyone wants leftovers help yourselves before you leave or me and harry are gonna be eating this pasta all week 

**scrambled_eggsy** : help yourselves to some of the chocolate muffins too

**rmorton** : don’t say that or i’ll be eating nothing but muffins for the foreseeable 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you saw all the stuff he’s made recently how do you think i’m eating atm 

**rmorton** : the one i had after dinner was amazing so i suppose you can convince me to take a few 

**(h)Arthur** : Who is/how many of you are staying over by the way? 

**rmorton** : percy and i will be heading off soon, we have a recon mission in the morning so we both need a good night’s sleep 

**scrambled_eggsy** : charlie is still passed out on the sofa and i kinda don’t wanna wake him

**Emrys** : I’ll take the guest room again if you don’t mind.

**scrambled_eggsy** : go for it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : but can you throw down a blanket out of the trunk at the bottom of the bed for charlie i think he’s staying 

**Emrys** : Will do. 

: :

**Emrys** _changed their username to_ **magic.man**

**magic.man** : guess who left their phone downstairs :) 

**scrambled_eggsy** : Guess who left their phone in the bathroom :) 

**magic.man** : fuck 

**magic.man** _changed their username to_ **Emrys**

**Emrys** : sorry merlin please don’t send me somewhere cold

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : just gone downstairs and i think charlie is in this puppy pile somewhere 

**scrambled_eggsy** : _puppies.jpg_

**KingHesketh** : don’t move them, I’m quite comfortable here

**scrambled_eggsy** : i didn’t even know you brought your dog 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you want tea btw i’m about to put the kettle on, harry and merlin are still sleeping

**KingHesketh** : she’s shy around big groups of people but she gets along with jb and merlot so she probably just hung out with them all night

**KingHesketh** : and yes please

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m breaking up with harry 

**scrambled_eggsy** : just so you all know 

**rmorton** : what happened??

**PercvialM** : You were both so lovey with each other yesterday?

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry is a total dick 

**(h)Arthur** : Darling, stop overreacting

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ve never been more disrespected 

**(h)Arthur** : Eggsy...

**scrambled_eggsy** : no i’m leaving and i’m taking my dog with me

**Emrys** : And here I thought Harry was the biggest drama queen I’d ever meet. 

**PercivalM** : Why don’t you tell us what happened? This is all a bit drastic. 

**(h)Arthur** : Yes, Eggsy. Tell them what heinous act I committed 

**(h)Arthur** : I feel like I should mention that Eggsy is currently half in my lap while writing this

**scrambled_eggsy** : fine

**scrambled_eggsy** : i went to the shop to get some milk because merlin and charlie finished it off this morning and the dickhead sent me a text with a video attached and said it was him naked so of course i started getting excited and ran home because he never replies to my dirty texts 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i opened it and it was a fuckin rickroll 

**rmorton** : omg 

**PercivalM** : Wow. 

**rmorton** : harry you’re a legend 

**(h)Arthur** : Thank you

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox you’re not my best friend anymore i’m breaking up with you too 

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin i see you typing if you’re agreeing with them i’m gonna go rogue and join mi6 or something

**scrambled_eggsy** : james bond is gonna be my new hot boyfriend 

**Emrys** : Well, we can’t say Eggsy doesn’t have a type. 

**rmorton** : you can say that again

**scrambled_eggsy** : like either of you can talk 

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox you like long haired blonde girls and merlin you’re into pretty dark haired guys 

**rmorton** : and you like sarcastic older gentlemen who are bigger than you 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yes i do 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i don’t like them too tall tho harry is just right

**rmorton** : so you aren’t breaking up with your perfect boyfriend? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll let him off this time i guess 

**(h)Arthur** : :) 

**(h)Arthur** : Why did you just text me that picture of cartoon Arthur’s hand?

**scrambled_eggsy** : :)

**KingHesketh** : how does harry know the name of a cartoon character from the 90s i barely remember watching as a kid

**(h)Arthur** : As a member of a spy agency I make a point of knowing about popular culture

**Emrys** : He means that he spends far too much time on the internet when he should be working. 

**(h)Arthur** : :/


	8. Emrys: That’s just my face, Charlie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : hey rox you comin to pride with us?
> 
> **rmorton** : i’m visiting tilde this weekend sorry :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this posted last week before the Nintendo Switch came out and took over my life but here we are. Good news though, the next chapter is just over halfway done and is going well!

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey rox you comin to pride with us?

**rmorton** : i’m visiting tilde this weekend sorry :( 

**rmorton** : maybe next year though 

**scrambled_eggsy** : aw :( i’ll keep you updated on snap 

**rmorton** : thank you 

**rmorton** : have a nice time! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : Percy? Charlie?

**KingHesketh** : I have plans already 

**PercivalM** : Our lovely Arthur has me on a mission this weekend so it will have to be a no from me as well. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :( 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : _ready.jpg_

**PercivalM** : Are you wearing Harry’s jacket?

**scrambled_eggsy** : of course :)

**rmorton** : what’s that on your neck 

**scrambled_eggsy** : whats what

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh shit 

**scrambled_eggsy** : HARRY 

**(h)Arthur** : Yes dear?

**scrambled_eggsy** : did you seriously feel the need to mark your territory what are you like sixteen

**(h)Arthur** : Well, we can’t have anyone thinking a handsome young man like yourself is available

**Emrys** : As if he won’t be hanging off you all day anyway. 

**rmorton** : eggsy off harry or harry off eggsy?

**Emrys** : You know it’ll be both.

**scrambled_eggsy** : i sent that selfie to mum shit 

**KingHesketh** : it’s on your Instagram too 

**scrambled_eggsy** : shit i’m gonna end up one of those buzzfeed top twenty people who didn’t realise they have an embarrassing hickey lists aren’t i 

**rmorton** : at least you’re allowed to give your bf a hickey :/ 

**> Tilde<**: I’m allowed :) 

**rmorton** : i left one tiny mark on tilde and i thought her secret service agents were going to lock me away forever 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i mean she is under a fair bit of scrutiny just put em where her agents won’t see them 

**scrambled_eggsy** : like i asked harry to do by keeping em below the collar

**(h)Arthur** : I think you must have thought that but didn’t actually tell me, you were very encouraging when I gave you it

**rmorton** : tmi territory guys 

**(h)Arthur** : Apologies

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : had to stop by mums on the way into town to pick up my cap because i forgot to pack it when i moved to harry’s and mum reckons i got two boyfriends 

**rmorton** : i just did such a cackle

**rmorton** : so why does she think this eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : well we left early because i knew she’d want to give us tea and its never a short visit when daiz is home and when we went into the house i could see her sizing up merlin straight away

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’s met harry a few times now and she was funny about the age difference but she’s okay with him now since she knows he’d never hurt me or anythin

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin walked in with us and she immediately had this look on her face then she cornered me upstairs when i was looking for my hat and started giving me the talk that it’s okay if we’re all together and how she won’t judge as long as i’m happy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and one i’ve been in a relationship with two people before and enjoyed it but i’m happy with just harry rn and two merlin you’re an attractive guy but you ain’t really my type 

**Emrys** : I must say you aren’t exactly mine either. 

**KingHesketh** : let me guess, the bit of rough like posh boys? 

**Emrys** : Got it in one, Charlie. 

**rmorton** : where are you actually from merlin?

**Emrys** : A bit of a dodgy area just outside of Edinburgh. I moved to London to live with my grandfather aged thirteen after being expelled from all the local schools for picking fights. 

**Emrys** : And Eggsy was right, posh boys do like a bit of rough as evidenced by Harry. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and we like em back 

: :

**rmorton** : _cute.jpg_

**rmorton** : compliment us since we can’t be in london having fun with you 

**PercivalM** : Beautiful. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you’re both stunners 

**Emrys** : Very lovely.

**rmorton** : :)

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin you’re the guv and i trust you with my life but i’m not going on the back of your bike ever again 

**Emrys** : You sounded like you were having so much fun. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : those were screams of fear mate 

**(h)Arthur** : I did warn you that he likes to go fast

**scrambled_eggsy** : you say that like i don’t drive fast and you didn’t ban me from driving kingsmans nice cars

**scrambled_eggsy** : you call me a speed demon behind the wheel but merlin is worse than me 

**Emrys** : Your life was never in danger and I was in control the entire time. Stunt driver was my back up plan if my job at Kingsman fell through.

**(h)Arthur** : _eggsybike.vid_

**rmorton** : wow that’s louder than when we did our skydiving test 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck off 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : just seen someone who looks just like you charlie 

**KingHesketh** : It probably was me 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ???

**KingHesketh** : I do have friends outside of you lot you know 

**KingHesketh** : I started talking to Hugo again after he was recruited into the kennels at HQ and he introduced me to his friend group and they’re all very tolerable 

**KingHesketh** : and I thought we drank a lot when we get together but I’m sure they could drink all of you under the table 

**(h)Arthur** : Impossible. In my fifty two years I’ve never once lost a drinking competition 

**Emrys** : Many have tried, including myself. 

**rmorton** : i like how immediately defensive harry was there 

**scrambled_eggsy** : mate you haven’t seen how he throws back the guinness 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’d worry but gaius says he’s healthy enough 

**(h)Arthur** : I plan to go out in a blaze of glory; Rainmaker in one hand and a Guinness in the other

**scrambled_eggsy** : you better not be planning on going out any time soon i’ve had enough of that for my lifetime thanks 

**(h)Arthur** : Don’t worry, I’ll be here a good while yet

**KingHesketh** : by the way I don’t know how you made Galahad, Eggsy, but I can see the three of you loitering over there 

**KingHesketh** : just come over 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fine we’re coming 

**KingHesketh** : tell Merlin to stop with the scary face I don’t want them to get scared off just yet 

**Emrys** : That’s just my face, Charlie.

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : they're doing it again 

**scrambled_eggsy** : _sleepyoldmen2.jpg_

**rmorton** : bless them 

**scrambled_eggsy** : just thrown a blanket on them before i go to bed

**scrambled_eggsy** : who knew the way to incapacitate arthur and merlin was just to feed them dinner who can i sell this info to

 


	9. rmorton: happy birthday eggsy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rmorton** : happy birthday eggsy! 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks rox!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the lovely comments on the last few chapters! (*´♡`*)

**rmorton** : happy birthday eggsy! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks rox! 

**PercivalM** : Oh, happy birthday! How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

**KingHesketh** : what they said 

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers (and 26 percy, same as rox)

**KingHesketh** : and me 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and charlie

**scrambled_eggsy** : my first birthday order of the day is all of you coming down to the canteen at lunch and sharing the cake harry made 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you too merlin i know you’ve read this 

**(h)Arthur** : I thought your first order was breakfast in bed and whatnot 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fine my second order 

**Emrys** : Pop into my office when you arrive to pick up your gift, Eggsy.

**rmorton** : get anything nice? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah mum got me a snapback and the new fifa and some odd bits and daiz drew an adorable picture of me her mum harry and jb

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry banned me from telling you what one of the things he gave me was lmao but he did make me breakfast and managed to find a big bag of the tea i like aaand this

**scrambled_eggsy** : _ring.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : :)

**rmorton** : AAAAAHHH???

**(h)Arthur** : I liked it so I put a ring on it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he tied it to jb with a ribbon and mushy-lovey card and let him on the bed once i’d eaten breakfast 

**rmorton** : harry you’re such a softie 

**(h)Arthur** : I would never deny it 

**PercivalM** : Congratulations! 

**Emrys** : He’s been planning this and agonising over it for months.

**scrambled_eggsy** : wait is this why you had gaius remeasure me 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it wasn’t to update my file? 

**Emrys** : Of course not, he wanted the ring to fit perfectly so we got Gaius in on the plan. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : did anyone else know? 

**(h)Arthur** : Only your mother

**(h)Arthur** : I wanted to check with her what kind of jewellery you prefer since you rarely wear anything other than your bracelet

**Emrys** : I’ve been his handler since we joined Kingsman and I’ve never seen Harry more terrified as when she dragged him out to the jewellers to look at rings while you were in Australia. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you went shopping with my mum?? 

**Emrys** : He did. I believe your sister joined them too.

**(h)Arthur** : I don’t think Michelle entirely trusts me yet but she’s starting to like me at least

**(h)Arthur** : I also owe your sister a large ice cream and a new Barbie for keeping it a secret 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you know she’s gonna want to be flower girl right 

**(h)Arthur** : I may have promised her that she and JB could be the ring bearers 

**rmorton** : that will be adorable 

**scrambled_eggsy** : hope you don’t mind sharing best man duties with jam and ry

**rmorton** : hope you don’t mind the embarrassing stories the three of us will tell 

**scrambled_eggsy** : shit i changed my mind 

**rmorton** : too late 

**rmorton** : have you told them yet?

**scrambled_eggsy** : nah but i’m seein em tomorrow so i’ll show them the ring then they’re gonna shit even more than i did 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : by the way merlin, any news on the jobs for ry and jam?

**Emrys** : Yes, actually, I meant to tell you. 

**Emrys** : There’s going to be an opening soon in the garages; one of the mechanics will be leaving for Statesman in the next couple of months so we’ll be needing a replacement for her and one of my techs has decided to stay on maternity leave for at least a year so we’re down one handler.

**scrambled_eggsy** : sweet i’ll offer the jobs to them tomorrow 

**PercivalM** : Bringing your friends in?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah neither of them have been having much luck on the job front after the v day shit show so i pinched their cvs and gave them to merlin 

**PercivalM** : That’s very kind of you, Eggsy. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : well kingsman has been good to me so why not share it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : besides ryan learned how to fix a car from the best (me) so i knew he’d be good down with the taxis and jamal can hack pretty much anything so i reckon they’ll be good additions to kingsman

**scrambled_eggsy** : plus they’re dying to know why i keep coming home with stitches and slings so it’ll be nice to tell them the truth

**PercivalM** : I know the feeling, it was such a relief to finally tell Roxy. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah like i know i can never really tell my mum but at least there’ll be two more people i can get stuff off my chest to 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : MERLIN IS THE BEST 

**Emrys** : It’s true. 

**PercivalM** : We all knew this but what has he done now?

**scrambled_eggsy** : so you know those trainers i like with the wings and shit? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s managed to make a pair in silver with all the gadgets the oxfords have and they’re amazin

**rmorton** : i bet they are, he made me a lovely pair of heels for my birthday 

**rmorton** : the poison is in the heel and i have all sorts of gadgets hidden in the platform

**PercivalM** : Have you ever seen her run in heels? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : no? 

**PercivalM** : She’s terrifying. 

**PercivalM** : And this was before she was trained as a spy.

**rmorton** : :) 

**rmorton** : i wouldn’t mind some parkour lessons in them whenever you’re free eggs

**scrambled_eggsy** : sure thing rox you’re doing well in trainers might as well take it up a level

**Emrys** : Please don’t scuff the outside walls of HQ if you’re going to do it in heels, I’d rather not have to organise the decorators coming in.

**rmorton** : i’ll try 

**scrambled_eggsy** : me and merlin are heading down to the canteen now if anyone wants cake 

: : 

**PercivalM** : For a spy, Eggsy, you aren’t very observant are you?

**scrambled_eggsy** : :/ 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i just thought that since i’d been the one to invite everyone to lunch you lot wouldn’t have organised a massive surprise buffet for me 

**Emrys** : It was Harry and Roxy’s idea. 

**rmorton** : you always organise stuff for us so we wanted to surprise you 

**rmorton** : and going by your face we managed :) 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you can say that again 

**Emrys** : _eggsy.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : yep that’s my surprised face 

**scrambled_eggsy** : thank you though i had such a nice birthday but i think we’re gonna have a quiet night in tonight

**(h)Arthur** : I thought we could watch Pretty Woman or Nikita since you’ve still not seen them?

**scrambled_eggsy** : that would be ace babe :*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I actually bought the silver pair of the winged trainers Eggsy has and they're the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned lmao)


	10. Ryan: bruv wtf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : hang on
> 
>  **scrambled_eggsy** _added_ **jamal** _and_ **Ryan** _to the chat_
> 
>  **Ryan** : wtf you have a group chat without us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Breath of the Wild still owns me.
> 
> (and that new Kingsman poster though!)

**scrambled_eggsy** : ryan and jamal say thanks for offering them the jobs 

 **Emrys** : Tell them they’re welcome, they’re more than qualified and seem like they’ll be good additions to Kingsman. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hang on

 **scrambled_eggsy** _added_ **jamal** _and_ **Ryan** _to the chat_

 **Ryan** : wtf you have a group chat without us 

 **Ryan** : bruv wtf 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s not like you use it much ry you take hours to reply to texts and still haven’t even changed your username

 **jamal** : lmao 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : like you can laugh mate yours doesn’t even have a capital j 

 **jamal** : who has time to hold the shift key 

 **KingHesketh** : great, another two Eggsys

 **Ryan** : what was that mate 

 **jamal** : just cos we’re from the estates and you’ve had that fancy spy training don’t mean we can’t take ya

 **KingHesketh** : what are you going to do? threaten me over the internet? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : chill out all of you don’t make me wake up the boss 

 **jamal** : we’re literally sat with merlin right now and he’s def awake 

 **KingHesketh** : he means Arthur, Merlin is his number two 

 **Ryan** : then why would eggsy be waking up arthur

 **jamal** : OOOOH 

 **jamal** : ry, eggsy’s man is the boss 

 **Ryan** : oh that makes sense then 

 **Ryan** : howd you manage to get with the boss

 **scrambled_eggsy** : idk he asked me out first i still don’t know what he saw in me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and he wasn’t the boss when we got together that’s a pretty recent development 

 **jamal** : it was probably your arse 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah ur right 

 **(h)Arthur** : It was your personality and after spending so much time with you before V-Day and when you sat with me in medical once I came back from Kentucky

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s okay you can say it was my arse and the 24 hours we had

 **(h)Arthur** : Your arse is also very lovely and I admit had a part in it 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :)

 **PercivalM** : What happened in your 24 hours? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Nothing of note

 **PercivalM** : On second thought, I’m in the shop and when I mentioned it Dagonet says I don’t want to know. 

 **Emrys** : Harry Hart, if you did anything in my armoury I’m sending you back to Kentucky and Champ can keep you.

 **jamal** : this is amazing

 **Ryan** : i feel like i need popcorn 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : welcome to kingsman 

: :

 **(h)Arthur** : Has anyone seen Eggsy? He said he was going out but didn’t say what time he’d be home

 **jamal** : he’s with us guv

 **Ryan** : safe and sound

 **Ryan** : and very drunk

 **Ryan** : he used to never drink much and when he did was a pretty quiet drunk but he’s so chatty today we’ve never seen him like this

 **jamal** : you lot are a good influence on him especially you guv its nice to see him let go more now

 **jamal** : congrats on gettin engaged too he’s been givin us all the details

 **(h)Arthur** : Thank you, and I’m glad to hear he’s in safe hands

 **(h)Arthur** : If I send one of you our address would you mind delivering him home when you leave? You can use the guest room if it’s late

 **jamal** : no problem we’re gonna leave soon anyway he’s looking at the bar and he has that look in his eye that means he’s gonna start dancing if we don’t stop him

 **rmorton** : please film that

 **Ryan** : no need we already have years worth of that shit

 **jamal** : he’s a good dancer so it won’t be as funny as you think itll be

 **rmorton** : omg can you show me

 **rmorton** : i’m back at hq tomorrow evening will you be around then?

 **Ryan** : yeah got a taxi that one of you lot crashed into a lamppost that i’ll prob need to spend all day on tomorrow so i’ll be in the garage until late

 **rmorton** : great i’ll pop down 

 **rmorton** : i like you two already 

 **jamal** : we gotta go anyway eggsy is trying to wander

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : alright what did i do last night 

 **jamal** : been a while since i got one of those texts 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : why did i just hear your text tone 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : also where’s my dog jb usually sleeps with us 

 **jamal** : because we’re across the hall from you 

 **jamal** : jb is with me he’s my dog now 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ??????

 **(h)Arthur** : Good morning, sleeping beauty. Are you well enough for breakfast? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i think so i’m just waitin for the paracetamol to kick in 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks whoever left them

 **(h)Arthur** : That was Jamal

 **jamal** : you’re welcome 

 **(h)Arthur** : Breakfast, boys? 

 **jamal** : yeah please if you’re offering 

 **jamal** : ry is in the shower 

 **(h)Arthur** : Just come down when you’re ready and I’ll get breakfast started 

 **rmorton** : this is so domestic 

 **(h)Arthur** : Aren’t you still on your mission? 

 **rmorton** : finished up early so i’m on the plane home now and don’t have much to do 

 **(h)Arthur** : Fair enough 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : so back to my question what did i do 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i remember going out to the prince with ryan and jamal but how did i get home 

 **Ryan** : bruv you were off your face and threatening to give the bar a show so we had to drag you home and since it was late h offered us the guest room 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i just scrolled up what do you mean you have videos of me

 **Ryan** : you know that when you get a bit of drink in you you like to dance 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : well yeah who doesn’t 

 **Ryan** : so of course i’m gonna film it as blackmail material for your wedding and oh look you’re engaged now 

 **jamal** : you’re not gonna see the videos until our speeches bruv 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fuck 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : is it too late to change my mind and have merlin as my best man 

 **Emrys** : Sorry, Eggsy, I’m taken. 

 **(h)Arthur** : You won’t be stealing my best man, darling

 **scrambled_eggsy** : dammit 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : percy? charlie? 

 **KingHesketh** : seriously?

 **PercivalM** : And miss out on what sound like very entertaining stories? No, thank you.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ugh

 **(h)Arthur** : Come down, breakfast is just about ready 

 **scambled_eggsy** : coming now 

 **jamal** : on the way 

 **Ryan** : smells amazing


	11. jamal: is this what posh people do all day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emrys** : I hate everything.
> 
> **PercivalM** : What’s Harry done now?
> 
> **Emrys** : Eggsy, this time. 
> 
> **rmorton** : oh boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't stopped staring at those new Golden Circle promo pictures for almost a week now. 
> 
> Thank you again for the lovely comments! I want to reply to them all but I always end up just staring and screaming at how nice you all are about my fic~  
> I haven't done this in a few chapters but here's a reminder of usernames (even though most of them are pretty obvious lmao):  
> scrambled_eggsy - Eggsy  
> (h)Arthur - Harry  
> rmorton - Roxy  
> Emrys - Merlin  
> PercivalM - Percival  
> KingHesketh - Charlie  
> >Tilde< \- Princess Tilde  
> jamal - Jamal  
> Ryan - Ryan

**scrambled_eggsy** : okay best arse at kingsman go 

**KingHesketh** : really?

**> Tilde<**: Roxy :) 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yes charlie and tilde you’re biased no voting for your girlfriend 

**rmorton** : only if harry can’t say yours 

**scrambled_eggsy** : that’s fair 

**(h)Arthur** : Then I’d have to say Merlin, his is very toned 

**Emrys** : Thank you, I work hard on it. 

**Emrys** : If I had to choose one agent, I would say Percival. 

**PercivalM** : I agree with Harry. 

**jamal** : is this what posh people do all day 

**jamal** : compare arses and shit

**Ryan** : eggsy started this bruv 

**jamal** : true but they’ve gone along with it

**KingHesketh** : I’m straight and I can’t say Roxy because I’m slightly afraid of her

**rmorton** : we know charlie, aesthetically whose would you want to have 

**KingHesketh** : fine, Eggsy I suppose

**rmorton** : i agree, eggsy yours is very nice 

**rmorton** : not that i wanted to see it as much as i did during training

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers 

**rmorton** : that’s a hint for you to remember to wear pants by the way 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m actually wearing some today are you proud of me 

**rmorton** : very proud even though i know its because you’re on a mission 

**scrambled_eggsy** : so thats two for me and merlin and one for percy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i think im gonna agree with harry and say merlin 

**> Tilde<**: If I can’t say Roxy then I’ll say you, Eggsy

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks t 

**scrambled_eggsy** : come on ryan nd jamal 

**KingHesketh** : and don’t just say Eggsy because you’re friends with him 

**jamal** : i still wanna know why he even asked this 

**scambled_eggsy** : i’m bored on the plane alright i just wanna get home and this is a good distraction

**Ryan** : roxy 

**rmorton** : thank you finally 

**jamal** : sorry eggsy but i have to say merlin

**Emrys** : Thank you Jamal. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : traitors 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i guess merlin wins then 

**Emrys** : It’s a great honour. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i gotta go anyway we’re landing soon 

: : 

**Emrys** : I hate everything.

**PercivalM** : What’s Harry done now?

**Emrys** : Eggsy, this time. 

**rmorton** : oh boy

**Emrys** : Oh boy, indeed.

**Emrys** : If anyone sees him out of the medical wing, take him back immediately or alert Gaius or myself. 

**rmorton** : ?????

**Emrys** : Harry and I went to meet Eggsy off the plane and in a short summary of what happened, Eggsy slipped on the steps and went down hard on his knee and dislocated his knee cap.

**rmorton** : are you serious 

**Emrys** : Unfortunately. He didn’t injure himself at all on his mission, it was only when he got back that we had to carry him over to medical.

**PercivalM** : Will he be staying at HQ or did Gaius give him the okay to go home with Harry?

**Emrys** : He’s staying here for the next few days which means Harry will also be here by extension. Gaius says he’ll see how Eggsy is doing by the weekend and decide then when he can go home.

**Emrys** : If I had hair to pull out I would be doing it right now. 

**rmorton** : will jb need someone to pick him up?

**Emrys** : Most likely. 

**jamal** : ill go guv 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you better not be stealing my dog again 

**jamal** : oh look he lives 

**scrambled_eggsy** : _fyou.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : it was just a dislocated knee u wanker 

**Emrys** : “Just” says the young man currently in a hospital bed. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey harry is in here too its pretty cosy 

**Emrys** : If you aren’t alone in that bed when I get down there I’m revoking Arthur’s access codes to your room. 

**Emrys** : Maybe even the entire wing depending on my mood.

**scrambled_eggsy** : shit 

**Emrys** : Yes, exactly.

**jamal** : hey eggs does your mum have the spare key or do i need my lock picking kit

**(h)Arthur** : As I suspected, Merlin is the reason I was just violently kicked out of bed

**(h)Arthur** : And yes, Jamal, Michelle has any keys you’ll need to get in. If you wouldn’t mind, could you bring JB’s away bag too? It should have everything he needs inside

**rmorton** : hang on a sec

**rmorton** : eggsy you have an away bag for your pug 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you don’t have one for merlot?

**rmorton** : no that is the most adorable thing 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it holds everything jb needs when he stays with mum or at hq and doubles as a bed or carry bag its v handy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : if we go on the tube i prefer to put him in a bag so he doesn’t get kicked or his paws stepped on 

**rmorton** : harry please give eggsy a hug for me this is the cutest thing

**(h)Arthur** : Now that’s something I can do 

: : 

**jamal** : roxy you’re right this is the cutest thing 

**jamal** : _eggsyjb.jpg_

**Ryan** : are we even allowed dogs in medical? 

**Emrys** : I gave JB special permission because Eggsy would be insufferable otherwise. He’ll probably be moved to Arthur’s rooms in HQ after the weekend so JB will do no harm staying in Eggsy’s room for the next few days. 

**rmorton** : i’ll have to come visit him when i get back tomorrow 

**scrambled_eggsy** : who, me or my dog?

**rmorton** : JB, obviously 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :( 

**jamal** : eggsys been here like six hours and hes already bored out of his mind and harry and jb can only do so much so a visit would do him good 

**rmorton** : i’ll pop in tomorrow afternoon 

**jamal** : maybe i can teach ya some coding eggs? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : might as well since i nearly failed that section of training 

**rmorton** : did you? i thought you did well with the computing section 

**scrambled_eggsy** : nah i thought i knew what i was doing but turned out i have no clue beyond editing selfies

**KingHesketh** : I have to say, Eggsy’s selfies are very good 

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks charlie 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it’s the light in harry’s bathroom it makes you look amazing 

**jamal** : for someone who can mod games to shit eggsy is pretty useless with anything thats not a mobile phone or games console

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks for the vote of confidence 

**Ryan** : it’s true though 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah it is 

**scrambled_eggsy** : got nothing better to do for the next few weeks so teach me all you can jamal 

**jamal** : no problem bruv 

**Ryan** : not like i can teach you anythin you don't already know but i might come visit 

**PercivalM** : Would you like me to bring in that book we were talking about the other day? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah please percy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i should fall out of the plane more often if you're all this nice to me 

**Emrys** : No.


	12. Emrys: moodyteen.jpg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rmorton** : so eggsy, how are you? 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went to the cinema yesterday and we got the trailer before the film and I was not prepared to see The Wink™ on the big screen
> 
> Also thank you for 100+ subscriptions!

**rmorton** : so eggsy, how are you? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit

 **rmorton** : that bad?

 **(h)Arthur** : He has to stay in medical for another few days and he isn’t happy about it

 **Emrys** : Gaius permitted your boyfriend and dog to stay with you, what more do you want? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : for my knee to not be dislocated 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and *fiance thanks

 **Emrys** : How could I forget. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : speaking of my handsome fiance he hasn’t given me more than a hug since i came in here :/

 **rmorton** : well he probably just doesn’t want to hurt you

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m not made of glass he knows i’m pretty sturdy

 **(h)Arthur** : I know exactly what you want but Gaius said no rigorous activity and although I may sign his paycheck he is the one in charge of stitching and gluing us back together, I’m not pissing him off

 **PercivalM** : That never stopped you before.

 **(h)Arthur** : Stopped me from what?

 **PercivalM** : Rigorous activity in medical.

 **PercivalM** : And before you ask, no, Gaius did not tell me. Remember how often I’d stay with James after the two of you would inevitably try to out do each other in worrying your significant others while on missions?

 **(h)Arthur** : To be fair, that was always Merlin’s idea

 **scrambled_eggsy** : omg what percy are you serious 

 **PercivalM** : Wasn’t there that time you brought a building down on top of yourself and you got out with just a few broken ribs?

 **(h)Arthur** : Oh yes, Merlin’s bedside manner was particularly excellent on that occasion if I remember correctly

 **Emrys** : This is slander.

 **(h)Arthur** : The more worried he was the better it got

 **Emrys** : You say that as if I didn’t know you were doing it on purpose. 

 **jamal** : hang about, merlin and haz were together?? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah i thought i told you? 

 **jamal** : i’d remember if you did bruv

 **Emrys** : I’ll be honest, the majority of the agents and a lot of the staff have slept with each other at some point and often end up marrying each other, Percival and Lancelot are a prime example. 

 **Emrys** : It’s difficult keeping a relationship from someone who can’t know about Kingsman so we tend to drift together. Most common is agents and their handlers, Gwaine got engaged to his handler just last week I believe.

 **jamal** : aren’t rox and percival related 

 **rmorton** : he’s my brother in law 

 **jamal** : ???

 **rmorton** : the lancelot before me was my brother james and he was married to percival 

 **rmorton** : it should all be on the servers somewhere 

 **jamal** : ah right i’ll take a look 

 **jamal** : swear i need some kinda family tree for you lot 

: : 

 **Emrys** : Harry annoyed me today so who would like to see a photo of him aged 16?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : me please 

 **rmorton** : me too 

 **PercivalM** : Always. 

 **jamal** : bring on adorable baby harry

 **Emrys** : _moodyteen.jpg_

 **Emrys** : This wasn’t a special occasion, this was just how he dressed. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Fuck

 **Emrys** : Harry Hart, you kiss our innocent young Eggsy with that mouth? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fuck yeah he does 

 **(h)Arthur** : It does more than kiss him

 **Emrys** : You’re as bad as each other.

 **Emrys** : How about a lovely photo of Harry aged 11 showing off his new secondary school uniform?

 **(h)Arthur** : Apologies, Merlin

 **Emrys** : Thank you.

 **KingHesketh** : is that a real earring? 

 **Emrys** : It is. 

 **(h)Arthur** : I stopped wearing anything in it at all in my late twenties but I could probably still get an earring in there if I tried

 **(h)Arthur** : How do you have these old photos of me anyway, Merlin? I don’t even have half of these anymore

 **Emrys** : Your parents gave Mark and I copies decades ago and I forgot I had them until recently. 

 **rmorton** : and is your hair naturally curly harry? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Yes, it takes a lot of product to keep it down 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you should see him in a morning it’s so soft and adorable

 **(h)Arthur** : I have to disagree with you there, darling 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he looks like 1995 mr darcy when he’s got a day off and leaves it after his shower and rox knows i got a thing for that 

 **PercivalM** : That explains why you’re both always late. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : not even sorry

: : 

 **(h)Arthur** : _gentlemanofleisure.jpg_

 **(h)Arthur** : Gaius finally signed off on letting Eggsy move to my rooms. We’re going home tomorrow if Eggsy can manage the crutches  

 **scrambled_eggsy** : this bed is so much comfier than in medical

 **Ryan** : nice pj top eggs 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks it’s jeremy scott

 **Ryan** : why am i not surprised 

 **Ryan** : most of what you own is either js or adidas or both

 **scrambled_eggsy** : true

 **rmorton** : looks like no missions for eggsy for a little while 

 **(h)Arthur** : Absolutely not

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :/

 **(h)Arthur** : Merlin was thinking about starting him on the basics of being a handler while he heals if you’d be interested in helping out, Roxy?

 **rmorton** : of course, we work together well

 **rmorton** : will i get some lessons at some point?

 **(h)Arthur** : If you’d like we can arrange something when you’re next on a break

 **rmorton** : it would be nice to see things from a handler’s eyes so i can make both our jobs easier 

 **(h)Arthur** : Very good thinking

 **Emrys** : Anything to keep my blood pressure down after dealing with Harry for so long.

 **(h)Arthur** : Oh, you love me really

 **Emrys** : Unfortunately. 

 **rmorton** : so harry, did you give eggsy his hug yet? :P 

 **(h)Arthur** : I did 

 **(h)Arthur** : He even got a little kiss 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and that’s why i’m in a better mood today :)


	13. Emrys: gymselfie.jpg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **(h)Arthur** : _firsttattoo.jpg_
> 
>  **(h)Arthur** : Revenge
> 
>  **rmorton** : is that little merlin??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters this close together is unheard of for me but the idea of tattooed Merlin wouldn't leave me alone so  
> ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

**(h)Arthur** : _firsttattoo.jpg_

 **(h)Arthur** : Revenge

 **rmorton** : is that little merlin??

 **(h)Arthur** : It is indeed 

 **Emrys** : An ancient artefact. 

 **Emrys** : I was fifteen? Sixteen there?

 **(h)Arthur** : You were 

 **(h)Arthur** : Way back when you could actually see your torso and arms

 **Emrys** : It’s been a long time since they were bare. This is a more recent photo.

 **Emrys** : _gymselfie.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit bruv

 **(h)Arthur** : Merlin, you’ll be flattered to know that Eggsy just choked on nothing when he saw that

 **scrambled_eggsy** : merlin where'd all that muscle come from 

 **Emrys** : You know I have agent duties on top of being quartermaster. If I have a spare hour or two I’ll pop down to the gym and lift a few weights. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but i didn’t think you’d be hiding that under your jumpers you’re fucking ripped

 **jamal** : those tats are pretty sick too guv 

 **Emrys** : Thank you. 

 **jamal** : you ever shown yours off eggs? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : my what 

 **jamal** : your tat

 **jamal** : and don’t say what tat i sat with you when you got it and you know i have a photo 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fine yeah i do have one 

 **(h)Arthur** : It’s a beautiful tattoo, Eggsy

 **rmorton** : it is actually, whoever did it must have been skilled

 **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks i guess 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i don’t remember where i got it tbh i was more than a bit tipsy and thought it was a good idea 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : u remember jamal?

 **jamal** : sorry bruv i was worse off than you all i remember was you deciding it was the best idea ever and then waking up with you and ryan on mum’s living room rug

 **PercivalM** : What do you have, Eggsy? 

 **PercivalM** : And where is it? I’ve seen you training in the pool and I’ve never seen it?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s a butterfly high up on the back of my thigh 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i picked it cause i thought it looked nice but harry said its a blue emperor 

 **PercivalM** : Didn’t Harry have one of those in his bathroom?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah it’s his fave it’s on our dresser with family photos and stuff now

 **scrambled_eggsy** : tmi probably but the first time harry got me outta my pants he actually made us stop so he could look at it properly and compare it to the illustration in one of his books 

 **Emrys** : Seriously, Harry? 

 **(h)Arthur** : I found it interesting and wanted to see how accurate it was 

 **Emrys** : Somehow it doesn’t surprise me.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he decided it was very accurate in case you were wondering 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : do yours have any stories merlin? 

 **Emrys** : Most of mine I got just because I liked the designs but I have two that are meaningful. There’s a Kingsman crest on my shoulder that I got when I started as Merlin and I have a sword on my inside thigh that matches Harry’s. 

 **rmorton** : harry has a tattoo? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Two

 **(h)Arthur** : We got the swords to celebrate our hundredth mission together and I have an outline of a deer on my chest 

 **rmorton** : is everyone at kingsman tattooed but me

 **KingHesketh** : I’m not 

 **jamal** : neither am i 

 **> Tilde<**: I don’t work for Kingsman but I don’t have any 

 **PercivalM** : I’m part of the tattooed club, sorry Roxy. 

 **rmorton** : what????? 

 **PercivalM** : I lost a dare to James about seven years ago and had to get his name done. 

 **PercivalM** : I won’t say where but he felt bad about it and ended up getting my name in the same place.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s okay percy, ryan has his ex gfs name on his arse 

 **Ryan** : fuck off eggs 

 **jamal** : he had a line tattooed through it when they broke up 

 **Ryan** : you can fuck off as well jam

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s true though 

 **Ryan** : well yeah but im gonna get it covered up soon 

 **Emrys** : What are planning on getting?

 **Ryan** : idk something cool 

 **Emrys** : I could put a word in with my tattooist if you’d like something personal?

 **Ryan** : yeah thatd be sick guv yours are amazin

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : guess who handed in their crutches today 

 **Emrys** : You’re still not going on missions for at least two weeks. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s fair 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m enjoyin working with rox tho 

 **rmorton** : i agree you’ve been a good handler the last few weeks 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : thanks jamal helped me a lot with the computers 

 **Emrys** : I was pleasantly surprised how well it went actually, I expected the two of you to use the private handler-agent line to gossip. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :)))

 **rmorton** : :)))

 **scrambled_eggsy** : see we can behave when we want to 

 **rmorton** : we know how to do our jobs 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : even though i doubt you and harry never used it to chat

 **Emrys** : Touché. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Merlin and I were thinking that since it went so well, we may put all the agents on a week long handling course, just so we can all see missions from the other side 

 **PercivalM** : I would be happy to do that. 

 **Emrys** : You’re good with the computer system so you’ll probably find it easy, Percival. 

 **Emrys** : But yes, I’m in the process of creating a course for you all to take. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i also see now why merlin always loses his shit when i forget to take my glasses off lmao 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s a good thing me nd rox have no shame with each other because i saw some things 

 **rmorton** : you’re so lucky i’m in not in the country right now 

 **rmorton** : just wait until i act as your handler

 **Emrys** : Now, now. 

 **Emrys** : Trust me when I say this, Roxy, you do not want to see what Eggsy gets up to. 

 **rmorton** : i had to share a dorm with eggsy and charlie for a year and i had the bed next to eggsys, i can handle him forgetting his glasses 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m not that bad am i 

 **rmorton** : no you’re not 

 **rmorton** : but your tendency to go pantsless is

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah okay i’ll give you that 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : they’re too constricting alright 

 **jamal** : youre still doing that huh 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yep 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no need when my suits are tailored to me perfectly, don’t want no visible lines in my trousers ;)

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m certainly not complaining 

 **PercivalM** : I will be if your hand goes any further up Eggsy’s thigh.

 **Emrys** : Harry, go do something useful. 

 **Emrys** : Like, I don’t know, the paperwork I’ve been asking for all day? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Oh, fine, I’m going 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll come up with you after ive grabbed a tea set 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : anyone else want anythin while im on a drinks run i might as well stretch my legs now i can 

 **Emrys** : I wouldn’t mind a coffee. 

 **Emrys** : Jamal also says a tea would be lovely.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : anyone else? 

 **Ryan** : you can bring me a bottle of water down 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no prob bruv


	14. scrambled_eggsy: aw babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emrys** : You’ll pry my kilt out of my cold, dead hands, Hart. 
> 
> **(h)Arthur** : I would never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Hartwin wedding talk this chapter with some nice Charlie~

**(h)Arthur** : Merlin

**Emrys** : Yes?

**(h)Arthur** : Permission to amnesia dart Eggsy 

**Emrys** : Harry, no. 

**Emrys** : You’re the boss and don’t need to ask my permission but please don’t dart your fiance. 

**PercivalM** : May we ask why you want to dart Eggsy?

**(h)Arthur** : I’d rather not say why but you always seem to tell me off when I use darts ‘inappropriately’ 

**Emrys** : If you do I might change my mind.

**(h)Arthur** : Fine 

**(h)Arthur** : We started looking at wedding venues last week and booked to take a look around three today. Only one of them assumed that Eggsy and I are the ones marrying each other - the other two thought I was either his father or his to be father-in-law. There is a limit to how many times one can be called Mr Hart the elder

**scrambled_eggsy** : im still pissign myself 

**Emrys** : Wow. 

**(h)Arthur** : Eggsy has been laughing since we got home hence the need for a dart 

**scrambled_eggsy** : aw babe 

**KingHesketh** : have you seen my family house?

**scrambled_eggsy** : sudden topic change mate 

**KingHesketh** : I’m serious, if you’re looking for something like a small manor you can use it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : really??

**KingHesketh** : yes, its maybe not quite half the size of HQ but its a decent building and the garden is huge

**scrambled_eggsy** : that’s so nice charlie what did merlin put in your cornflakes this morning

**KingHesketh** : I can be nice when I want to be 

**KingHesketh** : only my grandmother and her carers live there now and since I’m living at HQ I try to visit her a few times a week 

**scrambled_eggsy** : would it be alright if we came along next time for a look? 

**KingHesketh** : of course 

**KingHesketh** : I know Grandmother will like you both

**KingHesketh** : and there’s lots of places that would make a good background for any photos

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks bruv

**KingHesketh** : she might even let you see the horses 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck off that was one time i grew up in the city alright i never got to see horses in real life and i didn’t know they got that big

**KingHesketh** : you say that like I grew up in the middle of nowhere 

**KingHesketh** : Roxy you’re from the city aren’t you?

**rmorton** : we lived just outside of london so i was raised and went to school in the city too yes

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but didn’t you do horse riding or somethin

**rmorton** : yes that was one of the activities i did but it wasn’t one i kept up very long 

**rmorton** : your reaction to the horses was adorable eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you’re never gonna let me live this down are you 

**rmorton** : it was you mistaking a pug for a bulldog part two so nope 

**KingHesketh** : no

**Emrys** : Not when I have camera footage of you whispering “what the fuck” several times at a horse and then jumping ten foot when it snorted at you. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ugh

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : so we’re def having the wedding at charlie’s if that’s alright with you merlin 

**Emrys** : That sounds lovely. 

**jamal** : why are you askin merls? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : because he’s marryin us??

**jamal** : ?????

**rmorton** : he can do that???

**Emrys** : Of course I can.

**scrambled_eggsy** : nothin about this wedding is gonna be traditional lmao

**(h)Arthur** : Never doubt what Merlin can and can’t do

**Emrys** : If you can think it, I’ve probably tried it.

**scrambled_eggsy** : a bloke of many talents is our merlin

**scrambled_eggsy** : charlie’s gran is great too btw she’s hilarious 

**KingHesketh** : she wants to adopt you Eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : if she makes those apple tarts often i might take her up on that

**(h)Arthur** : Never let it be said that Eggsy can’t charm anyone

**scrambled_eggsy** : i sent mum some photos of the garden and she’s already planning things btw

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh yeah as well she says where are we gettin our suits from 

**(h)Arthur** : We can use Kingsman if you’d like, Dagonet already has everyone’s measurements that he’ll need 

**scrambled_eggsy** : can i wear my orange jacket

**(h)Arthur** : If you'd like

**scrambled_eggsy** : wait seriously 

**(h)Arthur** : As hideous as I think it is, it does look good on you. The only issue is finding something for me that would match 

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh yeah true 

**rmorton** : you both look good in pastels why not have a theme like that?

**scrambled_eggsy** : good thinkin rox 

**jamal** : how cute will little daiz be in a pastel dress

**scrambled_eggsy** : babe please can we do pastels

**(h)Arthur** : Roxy, would you prefer a suit or a dress?

**rmorton** : i would feel more comfortable in a suit if i’m honest

**(h)Arthur** : Ryan? Jamal? 

**jamal** : yeah suits are good 

**Ryan** : we’ll look great in whatever colour you put us in 

**Ryan** : remember jen’s wedding when we looked like a cool little squad all in the same colours 

**jamal** : weren’t we like ten when she got married

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but we looked amazin

**scrambled_eggsy** : but if we’re all good with pastel colours and suits?? 

**(h)Arthur** : We won’t need to sort them for a while yet but I’ll let Dagonet know

**(h)Arthur** : I know exactly what Merlin will be wearing 

**Emrys** : You’ll pry my kilt out of my cold, dead hands, Hart. 

**(h)Arthur** : I would never, you can all wear what you want really but it would be nice for everyone to have something pastel on them

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah it’s gonna be a pretty chill day tbh we don’t want any stress 

**scrambled_eggsy** : charlie your gran was okay with the gazebos and decorations and shit right?

**KingHesketh** : yes, she said she’d help with any set up and catering you’d need as well 

**(h)Arthur** : And you can’t convince her to let us pay for using the garden and house?

**KingHesketh** : you can try but I doubt she’ll take your money 

**KingHesketh** : she told me she’s just happy she could help out

**PercivalM** : Are you going somewhere nice for a honeymoon? 

**PercivalM** : If you’re even having one? 

**(h)Arthur** : We decided to just have a long weekend off and stay in the UK

**scrambled_eggsy** : since we get sent all over the world for work we wanna just have a quiet holiday somewhere nice

**scrambled_eggsy** : my granny lives in york and i’ve always wanted to go up there so that’s where we were thinking atm

**PercivalM** : You’ll enjoy that I’m sure, York is lovely. Harry is good enough with history that you won’t need any tours at least.

**scrambled_eggsy** : it feels good to start getting stuff organised

**(h)Arthur** : It’s all coming together nicely so far 

**(h)Arthur** : Assuming we don’t have to save the world again before we can finally do this

**scrambled_eggsy** : please don’t jinx it babe


	15. (h)Arthur: Did you get the biscuits, Eggsy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rmorton** : i understand now why merlin has such high blood pressure
> 
>  **scrambled_eggsy** : xoxo
> 
>  **rmorton** : i get stealing the car but did you really need to bring half the building down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think as of this chapter this is the longest fic I've ever written so [confetti emoji x100]
> 
> (It's also my most subscribed and commented on story so thank you to everyone who's been reading!)

**scrambled_eggsy** : just done the shopping and harry’s beer set off the seat belt alert in my car lmao

 **rmorton** : are you calling it harry’s beer because you’re blaming him or is it actually his?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no it is actually his i prefer my alcopops and shit

 **rmorton** : oh i know you prefer those

 **scrambled_eggsy** : if anyone saw me strapping the beer into the front seat tho

 **(h)Arthur** : You should have put it in the booster seat in the back

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit yeah that probably would have been better 

 **rmorton** : merlin is right the two of you are so perfect for each other 

 **Emrys** : I usually am. 

 **KingHesketh** : or he could have put the shopping in the boot 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i didn’t have a taxi today and my cars boot is tiny 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and i’m down one seat to put stuff on because of daisy’s chair 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : usually we put the heavy stuff on whoever’s in the passenger seat’s knee but i went on my own today since i had a day off and harry’s gonna be at hq til late 

 **(h)Arthur** : Did you remember to get pocket squares? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yes dear 

 **KingHesketh** : can’t you get them from the shop?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : dagonet refuses to sell harry hankies 

 **Emrys** : Harry, tell them why. 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ve ruined too many with blood on missions so I have to buy supermarket handkerchiefs 

 **KingHesketh** : and to think Chester always praised you as a gentleman 

 **(h)Arthur** : Oh, he knew exactly how little of a shit I can be, he just liked to pretend I’m still the obedient, wide-eyed twenty-something I was when he recruited me

 **Emrys** : You were never obedient, you were just good at pretending. 

 **(h)Arthur** : True 

 **Emrys** : I also never recall you ever being 'wide-eyed' about anything.

 **(h)Arthur** : Also true

 **(h)Arthur** : Did you get the biscuits, Eggsy? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : of course 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : they had your fave crisps reduced as well so got some of them 

 **(h)Arthur** : Excellent 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : got plenty snacks in too for when you ravenous lot drop in 

 **rmorton** : i’ll pop in on my way home in that case

 **Ryan** : me nd jamal finish at five so we’ll stop by too 

 **jamal** : i’ll bring that new game too if youd like, we can all have a go 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah cool i’m off on a mission tomorrow but its just me and jb tonight see you later

: :

 **rmorton** : i understand now why merlin has such high blood pressure

 **scrambled_eggsy** : xoxo

 **rmorton** : i get stealing the car but did you really need to bring half the building down 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : well yeah 

 **PercivalM** : Merlin, I’ve changed my mind, I’d rather not do the handler training.

 **Emrys** : That’s a shame. You’re all still doing it, if only to understand what you put us through. 

 **PercivalM** : Oh, fine, if I must.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : don’t worry perce if you get me i won’t be too much of a shit 

 **rmorton** : i knew you were doing that on purpose 

 **scrambled_eggsy** :  just preparing you for when missions go bad :) 

 **rmorton** : you’re lucky you’re still on the plane otherwise i’d :) you right now

 **scrambled_eggsy** : love u too rox

: : 

 **rmorton** : okay related to the conversation the other day, who here has piercings? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : uuugh 

 **rmorton** : this is eggsy’s fault by the way, he just reminded me of something he did like a year ago

 **scrambled_eggsy** : UUUGH

 **(h)Arthur** : Well, you all know I had my ear done when I was younger

 **jamal** : i had my helix done for a while but don’t have it anymore 

 **PercivalM** : Never had any. 

 **KingHesketh** : same

 **Emrys** : I had my septum done when I was a teenager but took it out after a year or so. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Oh, I remember that. You took it out because you thought it didn’t suit your face, didn’t you

 **Emrys** : Correct. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Eggsy...? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : what 

 **(h)Arthur** : Are you going to tell them or am I?

 **rmorton** : or shall i? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : had two done but only got one now 

 **jamal** : oh man you took it out? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah not long before i nicked rottie’s car 

 **KingHesketh** : what was it?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : used to have a bar in my nipple and still got my bellybutton done

 **KingHesketh** : I never noticed that when we were in the dorms 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it was already gone by then and the belly is a recent thing 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : roxy dared me to get it when we were slightly more than tipsy and drunk eggsy unwin never turns down a dare 

 **KingHesketh** : and sober Eggsy does?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : if it means getting a piercing then sober eggsy probably wouldn’t 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : but harry likes it and i wear a retainer when i’m working and i save my nice ones for when im goin out or for date nights

 **jamal** : you still got the bar and charm ryan bought you 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah lmao 

 **rmorton** : he’s got it in now that’s why i brought this up

 **Ryan** : you still have the eat me one????

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fuck yeah i do i keep it for special occasions 

 **Ryan** : and youre wearin it today?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Ryan** : forget i asked 

 **rmorton** : i’m surprised merlin hasn’t had more 

 **Emrys** : I can see their appeal but I’ve always preferred my tattoos if I’m honest. Harry was always the one out of us who was more interested in them. 

 **(h)Arthur** : I like them but I don’t think I suit them as much as other people, some people suit them very much. I did like the one piercing I had though

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i think its an understatement that harry likes them on other people he lost his shit when he realised i have one

 **rmorton** : tmi territory eggs 

 **Emrys** : That does not surprise me at all.


	16. rmorton: what the fuck harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **(h)Arthur** : It was touch and go for the first few months and there were definitely several punches thrown
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : cheers for the vote of confidence 
> 
> **KingHesketh** : I doubt we would have actually killed each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of speculation in the third section of a character to be introduced in the Golden Circle and mention of one of the new promotional posters for anyone who's avoiding anything potentially spoilery. I know there are some people who don't want to know anything about new characters or the plot before they see it in September so thought I'd mention it here first!  
> (I don't know how you guys do it, as soon as anything remotely new gets posted on Twitter I'm like (✪‿✪) immediately)

**scrambled_eggsy** : who used the changing rooms yesterday

**PercivalM** : Have you lost your sweatshirt again? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ......maybe

**PercivalM** : You’ve checked JB’s bed? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yep 

**rmorton** : i found it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ???

**rmorton** : it was kicked into the corner of the gym so i left it under dagonet’s desk at the shop for you 

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh cheers i’ll pick it up before i leave 

**rmorton** : welcome 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey tilde you think you’ll be able to make it over for the wedding 

**> Tilde<**: I’ll certainly try! 

**(h)Arthur** : Your mother will shit when she finds out royalty will be attending 

**> Tilde<**: I’d love to meet Michelle, Roxy and Eggsy have told me a lot about her and she sounds lovely.

**> Tilde<**: Eggsy’s sister sounds adorable too! 

**rmorton** : she is the cutest thing 

**rmorton** : you wouldn’t even know she’s related to eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : oi 

**rmorton** : :P 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m cute thanks 

**rmorton** : but daisy is the cutest 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah she is 

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’ll probably be a bit quiet and shy when you first meet her but once she gets to know you she won’t shut up 

**> Tilde<**: Is it okay for her to know who I am?

**scrambled_eggsy** : if youre okay to have your ear talked off she’s obsessed with princesses and shit

**scrambled_eggsy** : yesterday morning she told me when she grows up she wants to be a princess/superhero/spy thanks to the stories harry’s been telling her

**> Tilde<**: That’s adorable, we’ll get along well I’m sure!

**scrambled_eggsy** : will you be okay sitting with mum and daiz btw? i think my granny is coming down too but rox you’ll be up at the front with us if that’s cool

**rmorton** : yes that’s okay

**> Tilde<**: I’m looking forward to meeting your family. 

**> Tilde<**: And everyone else, really. I’ve only spoken to Eggsy, Roxy, and Merlin in person. 

**(h)Arthur** : Do any of you know anyone who would be willing to take photographs of the wedding for us by the way? 

**rmorton** : amelia is into photography it might be worth asking her 

**rmorton** : would you like me to add her to the chat?

**(h)Arthur** : Please

**rmorton** _added_ **Mel** _to the chat_

**rmorton** : hey amelia do you still do the photography stuff?

**Mel** : Yes? 

**(h)Arthur** : Excellent, would you be interested in being Eggsy and my’s wedding photographer? We’re happy to pay whatever you charge for your time and to have some of the them printed

**Mel** : Oh, I would love to. Are you having it in London? 

**(h)Arthur** : Just outside of London at the Hesketh’s home, the date is to be confirmed but we’re hoping for September

**Mel** : No problem, just let me know the details when you finalise everything and I’ll make sure I’m in the UK 

**rmorton** : you can stay in my flat if you don’t want to stay at HQ or in a hotel amelia 

**Mel** : That would be great, thank you. 

**Mel** : Is Tilde coming over? 

**rmorton** : she is yes

**rmorton** : you know about us? 

**Mel** : Of course I do. You know everyone at Kingsman is a huge gossip. None of us, agents especially, can do anything without the rest of the agency finding out. 

**Mel** : The tech department is the worst offender and spending so much time with him you’ll all know Merlin is the biggest gossip of them all.

**Emrys** : I don’t deny it.

**Mel** : Although, may I ask what the deal is with Eggsy and Charlie now? Last I saw them they were almost at each other’s throats.

**scrambled_eggsy** : we have a sort of truce now 

**KingHesketh** : we’ll never be best mates but I’d think we’re okay 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s been a total bruv lettin us use his house as the venue tho 

**KingHesketh** : you’re welcome, its the least I can do after what a dick I was

**Mel** : I see, this is a definite improvement to when we saw each other last. 

**Emrys** : They don’t try to rip each other’s throats out now so anything is an improvement. 

**(h)Arthur** : It was touch and go for the first few months and there were definitely several punches thrown

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers for the vote of confidence 

**KingHesketh** : I doubt we would have actually killed each other 

**scrambled_eggsy** : severely harm yes but kill nah

**KingHesketh** : exactly

**rmorton** : see they can even agree with each other now 

**Mel** : As long as no one has to play referee anymore, I suppose. 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i just got home and 

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _harryhat.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : bruv 

**jamal** : LMAO 

**Emrys** : Is that Tequila’s hat? 

**rmorton** : what the fuck harry 

**(h)Arthur** : It was hot today and it kept the sun out of my eye

**(h)Arthur** : And yes, it was Tequila’s

**Emrys** : Aren’t you always complaining about how many Snapbacks Eggsy owns? Couldn’t you have borrowed one of those? We all know you share clothes plenty. 

**(h)Arthur** : He’s very protective over his hats and honestly this one protected the back of my neck from the sun better than they could while I was in the garden

**rmorton** : why do you guys even have tequila’s hat in the first place

**scrambled_eggsy** : he shoved it on my head just before he left last time he was over and told me to keep it and its been hanging on the dresser since

**rmorton** : didn’t you two get along really well 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah we still text and shit he’s a cool guy

**scrambled_eggsy** : haven’t seen him in ages since he got that promotion but he mentioned that he’ll be back soon if only so i can take him to nandos again 

**rmorton** : speaking of nandos who fancies going tonight eggsy mentioning it has made me want some 

**rmorton** : meet at six thirty at the one round the corner from the mews? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m there and harry’s nodding 

**(h)Arthur** : I’ll be there sans Tequila’s hat 

**jamal** : we will be 

**Ryan** : hell yeah 

**KingHesketh** : I’m free tonight 

**PercivalM** : As am I.

**Emrys** : Assuming Gwaine and Tristan can wrap their mission up in the next hour, I’ll come along. If not, enjoy. 

**rmorton** : see you all soon then :) 


	17. scrambled_eggsy: LMAOOO ROX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rmorton** : eggsy tell harry to let me go on my mission
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : you heard her babe

**rmorton** :  _haircut.jpg_

**rmorton** : what do you think? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what a babe 

**rmorton** : thank you 

**> Tilde<**: Can’t wait to see it in person :)

**rmorton** : soon! xoxo

**scrambled_eggsy** : did you dye it this time? 

**rmorton** : just had some highlights put in 

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry introduced me to his hairdresser and she’s so good at doing mine 

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’s like a master of hair dye 

**Ryan** : didn’t you say you don’t dye it anymore 

**jamal** : yeah he did say that 

**scrambled_eggsy** : stop ganging up on me youre supposed to be my friends

**scrambled_eggsy** : besides she dyes both our hair 

**(h)Arthur** : I’m much greyer than I appear, I’m afraid, and I prefer to maintain it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck off the greys hot 

**(h)Arthur** : Thank you, although I knew how you feel about my grey already

**rmorton** : can we go back to eggsy ‘not dyeing his anymore’ for a sec please 

**jamal** : he’s naturally like a mousey colour 

**rmorton** : he is??

**jamal** : yeah he started when we were in year eight and got frosted tips lmao

**scrambled_eggsy** : always just used mum’s leftover bleach when she did her roots up so i was pretty much blonde for ages 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and jamal, i was the shit when i had those 

**jamal** : yeah i’ll give you that 

**(h)Arthur** : I must say, your mother showed me photos of when you were younger and you look terrifyingly like her with blonde hair 

**Emrys** : And he looks more like his father with this darker hair he has now

**scrambled_eggsy** : i do? mum’s hair is naturally pretty dark 

**Emrys** : Absolutely, I couldn’t really say who you look more like since you’re very much 50/50 of your parents but when your hair is lighter you look like your mother and when its dark you look like Lee. 

**Emrys** : And I must say Roxy, with the highlights in your hair, the similarities between you and James really jump out. 

**rmorton** : really? 

**PercivalM** : Now that you mention it Merlin, I have to agree. 

**rmorton** : we never thought we looked anything alike to be honest

**rmorton** : if we went anywhere people always assumed he and percy were my dads

**PercivalM** : Seeing photos of him at your age and comparing them with you now there’s no denying that you’re siblings. 

**rmorton** : at least i know what i’m in for in the next few years 

**Ryan** : hey jamal remember eggsy’s emo fringe phase

**jamal** : omg i forgot about that

**scrambled_eggsy** : we don’t talk about that

**rmorton** : eggsy you didn’t 

**jamal** : he did 

**PercivalM** : Roxy, you say that like you didn’t have that phase. 

**rmorton** : shhhhhh

**scrambled_eggsy** : do tell, percy 

**PercivalM** : Well, she was never really into the whole scene but she was a big fan of the eyeliner and straighteners. I seem to remember she had her black with blue streaks and a fringe that was over her eyes for a while too. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : LMAOOO ROX 

**rmorton** : fuck off unwin 

**Ryan** : you conveniently forgot that time you borrowed my sister’s eyeliner eggsy 

**rmorton** : we made our emo beds eggsy, we might as well lie in them 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ugh that was one time ryan you tried it too 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i was never into the whole thing because the crowd we were in at school would have kicked the shit out of me but i will admit i had the hair and thought i looked great 

**KingHesketh** : Eggsy, you practically have one of those fringes now 

**scrambled_eggsy** : no i don’t?

**rmorton** : omg he actually does 

**jamal** : we don’t talk about my emo fringe, he says when he has the same hair he had when he was sixteen

**rmorton** : when your hair is down with no product you have a slightly shorter version of what was fashionable then 

**scrambled_eggsy** : shit i do don’t i 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck

**jamal** : lmao

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry call the salon i’m joining merlin and charlie’s club 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i need you all to know what a fucking nerd harry is

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _mixtape.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : he was already in bed asleep when i got home at midnight and i found this on the coffee table

**KingHesketh** : is that a cassette tape

**scrambled_eggsy** : yep

**rmorton** : that’s so sweet have you listened to it yet 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i can’t i don’t have anything to play it on??

**rmorton** : well then you have to admit its a nice idea at least

**Emrys** : Bottom drawer in the drinks cabinet, Eggsy. His old Walkman should still be there. 

**Emrys** : And if not, I’m sure I have one lying around somewhere.

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh cheers guv found it 

**Emrys** : Need help working it? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : nah i’m not that young i had dad’s old one growing up i know how they work 

**rmorton** : ........so?

**scrambled_eggsy** : turns out not only is harry a fucking nerd he’s also a soppy shit 

**KingHesketh** : what was on it?

**scrambled_eggsy** : the first song was called charlie minding his business

**KingHesketh** : rude

**scrambled_eggsy** : :) 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we watch a lot of musicals so it was our fav songs from those

**rmorton** : bless him

**scrambled_eggsy** : should i go wake him up or wait til the morning 

**scrambled_eggsy** : bearing in mind he’s a real grump if he’s woken up before 9am

**Emrys** : If he left it out for you to find, he’s probably waiting for you.

**scrambled_eggsy** : true 

**scrambled_eggsy** : okay im gonna go night everyone who’s still up

**Emrys** : Goodnight Eggsy.

**rmorton** : night 

**KingHesketh** : night 

: :

**rmorton** : eggsy tell harry to let me go on my mission

**scrambled_eggsy** : you heard her babe 

**(h)Arthur** : Sorry Roxy, you’re to stay within London for the next four weeks at least. I can’t allow you, not only as Arthur but as a friend, to go on a mission while you have a broken arm. We need you in top form and I would never forgive myself if I allowed you to go and you ended up hurt because of it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : wait you broke your what

**rmorton** : i didn’t break it that much 

**Emrys** : You had three fractures. 

**rmorton** : they were barely there 

**Emrys** : Tell that to your x-ray. 

**rmorton** : a little mission? a local one maybe? 

**Emrys** : Lancelot. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ooh hes bringing out the codename 

**(h)Arthur** : Here we all thought Eggsy was the one to keep an eye on when injured 

**rmorton** : oh fine 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what did you even do 

**rmorton** : i fell off the climbing apparatus in the gym trying to do that thing you did on our last shared mission 

**scrambled_eggsy** : the flip thing? 

**rmorton** : yes 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you know that took me years and a lot of sprains to get right yeah jamal had to take me to hospital so many times 

**rmorton** : you mentioned that yes 

**rmorton** : but you can’t learn things without trying 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fair enough 

**scrambled_eggsy** : why don’t you come over later and we’ll go to the cinema or something and when your arm is better i’ll teach you

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll buy you a bag of m&ms and everything 

**rmorton** : you’re such a good friend 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :* 

**scrambled_eggsy** : everyone else is working late tonight so get your arse over and we’ll go

**rmorton** : see you soon 


	18. KingHesketh: they’re doing that thing again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emrys** : Who the fuck just belched? 
> 
> **Emrys** : We heard it down in the fitting rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Golden Circle spoilers! Nothing particularly major, just the introduction of the Statesman characters and mention of a few events from the movie including certain existing character's situations through the film. 
> 
> It's been a little while since I updated because I wanted to include the new Statesman characters in the coming chapters and thought I'd better wait until I knew more about them. Since I've sort of established my own little post-TSS world, consider this fic an everyone lives and is friends sort of au I guess?

**KingHesketh** : they’re doing that thing again

**rmorton** : ?????

**KingHesketh** : Eggsy and Harry

**rmorton** : still not any clearer

**KingHesketh** : you know when they just sort of stare at each other and nod and then do the same thing 

**rmorton** : oh you mean the eye fucking 

**rmorton** : aren’t we all used to that by now 

**KingHesketh** : no the thing where they somehow have an entirely non-verbal conversation 

**rmorton** : oooh that thing 

**rmorton** : percy and james used to do it all the time so im sort of immune to it now 

**KingHesketh** : creeps me the fuck out 

**scrambled_eggsy** : why do you think we do it 

**KingHesketh** : go stare at each other somewhere else 

**KingHesketh** : preferably away from me 

**scrambled_eggsy** : whatever you say mate 

: :

**jamal** : uh so anyone wanna tell me what merlin’s working on here 

**jamal** :  _newtech.jpg_

**jamal** : i’d ask him myself but he’s wearing his don’t bother me headphones and they’re turned up to full volume 

**rmorton** : looks like some sort of prosthetic? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : looks like something gazelle would have liked if you ask me 

**jamal** : i’ve read all the agents files and i don’t remember anyone needing one of these?

**Emrys** : That’s because it’s for me and I’m not an agent. I’m Kingsman staff.

**(h)Arthur** : Did you finally work out how to get the blade into the kneecap? 

**Emrys** : Fuck yes I did. Poison and everything. 

**(h)Arthur** : Very nice, let me know when I can come down for a look. 

**rmorton** : you never mentioned you wear a prosthetic?

**Emrys** : No one ever asked. 

**Emrys** : And I have two, actually. The one I’m working on now is for my dominant leg that I prefer to kick with. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : sweet you got gadgets and shit?

**Emrys** : Yes, I do. I rarely do field missions anymore but when I do I like to make sure I’m properly prepared. 

**Emrys** : Valentine was eccentric but he had some interesting designs on his servers clearly intended for Gazelle and I may have...appropriated them for myself and other members of Kingsman.

**(h)Arthur** : He offered me a new eye but the idea of having it put in made me squirm

**Emrys** : You’d be unconscious and not feel a thing. 

**(h)Arthur** : Honestly, I’m used to what I’ve got now and I’ve finally got used to the different depth perception. It would feel strange to suddenly have an eye again so I’ll continue to pass on your offer

**Emrys** : Fair enough. I’m also working on a new arm for Charlie. Valentine and Poppy had some interesting concepts hidden away so I might as well make use of them. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : everyone keeps getting injured or fake dying on me and im pretty sure the worry is giving me heart problems shit 

: :

**Emrys** : Who the fuck just belched? 

**Emrys** : We heard it down in the fitting rooms. 

**rmorton** : harry 

**PercivalM** : Arthur. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it was harry 

**Emrys** : For fuck’s sake, it’s a good thing the shop was empty.

**Emrys** : Gentleman my arse.

**(h)Arthur** : Apologies 

**(h)Arthur** : I shouldn’t have had that can of pop with my dinner 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you mean you shouldn’t have finished off my can on top of your own after eating chips drowned in vinegar 

**PercivalM** : Vinegar and pop aren’t usually a good mix... 

**(h)Arthur** : Something I learned five minutes ago 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i did tell you not to drink it so fast 

**(h)Arthur** : We had to get back for the briefing 

**Emrys** : The one time you manage to get somewhere on time. 

**jamal** : by the way aren’t eggsy and harry supposed to be like super spies

**Emrys** : Apparently. 

**Ryan** : because they’re rubbish at noticing someones following them 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what are you even talking about

**jamal** :  _handholding.jpg_

**jamal** : we went into town for lunch and saw you 

**Ryan** : and you had no idea we followed you all the way back to the shop 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i thought i heard a camera shutter 

**Ryan** : that was jamal before he put his phone on silent lmao 

**scrambled_eggsy** : u could have walked with us you know

**jamal** : nah it was more fun to spy on you both 

**jamal** : it was sort of sweet to watch you when there’s noone else around, you’re gross when you snog him at work but you’re cute together

**scrambled_eggsy** : cheers

**scrambled_eggsy** : anyway he’s the one with like 30 years experience out of the two of us he should have noticed

**(h)Arthur** : Do you recall why Merlin won’t allow us on missions together anymore, Eggsy?

**scrambled_eggsy** : no tbh i think id stopped listening at that point

**Emrys** : At least you’re honest when you don’t listen to me. 

**Emrys** : I prefer not to send you on missions together because you’re both too busy staring at each other and take unnecessary risks when the other is in danger.

**scrambled_eggsy** : whats that in not merlin-speak

**(h)Arthur** : It means I’m very distracted by you, darling

**scrambled_eggsy** : i know i just wanted to see you say it :) 

**rmorton** : but you do send them out together merlin? 

**Emrys** : Unfortunately, Harry has superiority. I may run the place but in certain matters I can make suggestions but Arthur gets final say.

**scrambled_eggsy** : we work well together name one recent mission we fucked up 

**Emrys** : Barcelona. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : but that was fine? we both got back safe with the mission completed 

**Emrys** : The mission itself went fine but you gave me a stress ulcer. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : sorry guv 

**(h)Arthur** : Would a bottle of something make it better?

**Emrys** : Make it scotch and I’ll consider it.

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : would anyone be opposed to me adding our american friends to this group? 

**rmorton** : i’ve only met tequila once and the others never so it would be nice to get to know them all 

**Emrys** : I don’t see why not, we promised to all work together we might as well include them. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : cool 

**scrambled_eggsy** _added_ **TooMuchTequila** ,  **TheChamp** ,  **NotGinger** ,  _and_ **RealJackDaniels** _to the chat_

**TooMuchTequila** : whats goin on here 

**scrambled_eggsy** : group chat mate 

**TooMuchTequila** : nice 

**NotGinger** : Evening. 

**TheChamp** : Hello Kingsman agents

**RealJackDaniels** : Hey

**(h)Arthur** : Jack. 

**RealJackDaniels** : Harry.

**TheChamp** : Don’t worry yourself, Arthur, we’ve been keeping an eye on him

**TooMuchTequila** : yall wanna open your door it’s cold out here 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what

**TooMuchTequila** : im outside your house you gonna let me in 

**TooMuchTequila** : i have booze and your puppy

**scrambled_eggsy** : im at hq today? so is harry? you didn’t tell me you were coming over?

**(h)Arthur** : Oh, wonderful. I take it all his vaccinations went well?

**TooMuchTequila** : don’t worry i let myself in and he’s fine yeah already off playing with JB 

**(h)Arthur** : Some guard dog JB is. Help yourself to some of the biscuits, they were only made yesterday

**TooMuchTequila** : there aint no biscuits in your kitchen

**scrambled_eggsy** : cookies 

**TooMuchTequila** : oh cool found em

**TooMuchTequila** : still not used to how you guys talk

**rmorton** : make yourself at home?

**scrambled_eggsy** : i did say we got along well when we were in kentucky

**> Tilde<**: Aren’t you the tall agent who Eggsy had a thing with briefly?

**scrambled_eggsy** : SHHHHH

**TooMuchTequila** : yes maam i got to know eggsy very well

**scrambled_eggsy** : @both of you that’s on a need to know basis 

**rmorton** : wait shit eggsy you better come to my office right now and give me the details 

**scrambled_eggsy** : no way i can already feel your evil staring 

**scrambled_eggsy** : basically tilde had broken up with me, harry didn’t remember me, i was stressed out and tequila offered end of story 

**rmorton** : i am so sending you the eyes emoji times one million right now

**TooMuchTequila** : ;)

**TheChamp** : Oh, I’ve missed you Kingsman boys 


	19. TooMuchTequila: fineassgentleman.jpg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TooMuchTequila** : eggsy said i needed a suit so what do yall think 
> 
> **TooMuchTequila** : _fineassgentleman.jpg_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More TGC spoilers in this chapter~
> 
> Thank you for 200+ subscriptions to this story!

**NotGinger** : So, how’s Hamish doing? 

 **Emrys** : I’m fine, thank you. 

 **NotGinger** : I meant the puppy, but I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay Merlin.

 **Emrys** : Oh.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : lmao 

 **(h)Arthur** : He’s doing very well, Ginger. He and JB are getting along wonderfully, they’re near inseparable already and they’re adorable together

 **(h)Arthur** : Merlin is also doing well, he could do with going home to sleep more often, of course...

 **Emrys** : Blame your agents.

 **NotGinger** : Oh, I know the feeling. I ended up building a set up at home so I could actually sleep in my own bed occasionally.

 **(h)Arthur** : Merlin, no

 **Emrys** : It’s a good idea.

 **NotGinger** : I’ll send you my blueprints if you’d like?

 **Emrys** : Please do, my home set up is pathetic compared to what I have at HQ. 

 **NotGinger** : Tell Tequila to give you access to his glasses, I’ve sent the files to him. 

 **Emrys** : Thank you. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Taking this back to the puppy conversation, we’ll be getting a new member of the Unwin-Hart household very soon. Next time Tilde is over she’s bringing JB Jr. to live with us

 **> Tilde<**: I’ve been so busy recently I’ve barely been able to spend any time with him and I’d rather he live with someone who can give him the attention he deserves :( 

 **> Tilde<**: I got him for Eggsy anyway, and I’ll visit when I can if that’s alright?

 **(h)Arthur** : Of course it is, Tilde. You’re more than welcome in our home, you lived here long enough after all

 **> Tilde<**: :) 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : gonna be no room for us in the bed soon 

 **rmorton** : at least you have small dogs, merlot takes up half the bed when she gets sprawled out 

 **KingHesketh** : same, Mia doesn’t sleep on the bed often but when she does I practically get kicked out

 **KingHesketh** : and when she kicks in her sleep I have actually been kicked out and woken up on the floor 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we might only have a pug and a yorkie but i got home late the other night and couldn’t get into bed because there was no room for me 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it was cute until i realised i had to sleep in the guest room 

 **rmorton** : aw poor eggsy 

 **(h)Arthur** : I lost my main source of warmth and ended up joining Eggsy in the guest so the dogs ended up with the whole bed

 **scrambled_eggsy** : swear these dogs are treated better than we are in this house 

 **(h)Arthur** : They’re certainly fed better

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit fuck 

 **rmorton** : good morning sunshine 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fuck i’m compromised

 **rmorton** : what?? want me to call merlin?? 

 **rmorton** : do i need to kill someone??

 **(h)Arthur** : That won’t be necessary 

 **rmorton** : ???

 **scrambled_eggsy** : harry just came downstairs wearing a black turtleneck jumper fuck

 **rmorton** : that’s all?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : merlin we’re gonna be late in today

 **scrambled_eggsy** : nice to know you have my back tho rox 

 **rmorton** : :/ 

: : 

 **TooMuchTequila** : eggsy said i needed a suit so what do yall think 

 **TooMuchTequila** :  _fineassgentleman.jpg_

 **rmorton** : my favourite part of this photo is eggsy in the background there 

 **TheChamp** : They’ll make a Kingsman out of you yet, Tequila

 **TooMuchTequila** : we’ll make a statesman out of eggsy too

 **scrambled_eggsy** : don’t you dare

 **TooMuchTequila** : oops

 **TooMuchTequila** :  _saveahorserideakingsman.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fucks sake 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and the file name? really?

 **jamal** : nice double denim eggs 

 **Ryan** : lmao 

 **rmorton** : is that how everyone at statesman dresses?

 **NotGinger** : Absolutely not. Tequila just loves his denim. 

 **KingHesketh** : and where did you find a mechanical bull? 

 **TooMuchTequila** : there’s a bar not far from eggsy and harry’s place that’s tryin to be all authentic southern 

 **(h)Arthur** : He somehow suits the hat, but then Eggsy could make a bag look good 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : does this mean you’ll let me wear a tracksuit to the wedding because i just bought this really cool black and gold one 

 **(h)Arthur** : No, Eggsy. Dagonet has made us a lovely pair of suits, we might as well wear them

 **rmorton** : they’re done already? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Dagonet texted me this morning, we’re having our final fitting tomorrow 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : oh nice 

 **rmorton** : what colours did you finally decide on 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you’ll find out soon your suit is nearly done as well

 **rmorton** : excellent i can’t wait to see it 

: : 

 **Ryan** : look what i found 

 **Ryan** :  _yeartwo.jpg_

 **rmorton** : eggsy’s toothy smile! 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : oh fuck that was not long after i knocked out my front teeth wasn’t it 

 **jamal** : i remember that omg 

 **Ryan** : we looked the shit though 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : coolest kids on the estate mate 

 **rmorton** : i have to ask about you knocking out your teeth 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : the playpark near the estate wasn’t exactly up to standard and i fell over and smacked my face off the concrete 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : one of my front teeth was wobbly but i ended up knocking both of them out 

 **jamal** : we were terrified and had to try and find eggsy’s mum 

 **Ryan** : to be fair we were like seven and mobiles weren’t a thing then 

 **rmorton** : you were all so adorable 

 **jamal** : you mean we ain’t now? 

 **rmorton** : the three of you have your moments i’ll give you that 

 **rmorton** : hey percy do you have that photo of me when i was ten? you know the one?

 **PercivalM** :  _candyfloss.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : looks like we got a competitor for being adorable

 **Emrys** : I think I have something even better.

 **rmorton** : even better than me holding a candy floss bigger than my head?

 **Emrys** : Quite possibly. 

 **Emrys** :  _beachtrip.jpg_

 **Emrys** : How about when my grandfather took Harry and I to Brighton. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : was harry’s hair really that curly then?

 **Emrys** : No, it tends to curl more when its humid and it was very warm that summer.

 **rmorton** : okay fine i’ll let you have this one too we were all very cute as kids 


	20. Emrys: Eggsy, no.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Emrys** : Eggsy, no.
> 
>  **rmorton** : eggsy........
> 
>  **(h)Arthur** : No, Eggsy

**scrambled_eggsy** : remember that time harry got hit in the face with the frying pan

 **Emrys** : Which time?

 **PercivalM** : You mean to tell me the legendary Kingsman agent, Harry Hart, Arthur nee Galahad, has managed to get hit in the face with a frying pan more than once in his life?

 **Emrys** : Absolutely.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i was talking about at poppy’s

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it was a dick move and i felt bad that it was meant for me and i dodged it but jack has good aim

 **RealJackDaniels** : Thank you

 **Emrys** : I once hit him with a frying pan.

 **Emrys** : It was an accident of course.

 **PercivalM** : At least tell us the story, you can’t just leave it at that.

 **Emrys** : Shortly after we moved into our first flat, we went out to buy new kitchenware and while we were putting everything away, I held the pan up to ask where we were going to keep it and as I lifted it he turned towards me and they collided with a comical clang.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : is that why he has that little bump on the bridge of his nose?

 **Emrys** : Most likely.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : lmao

 **Emrys** : The second time was on a mission, similar to the time at Poppy’s.

 **(h)Arthur** : No matter how hard I try, my head has always been like a magnet for flying objects. Frying pans, fists, bullets

 **scrambled_eggsy** : too soon babe

: :

 **(h)Arthur** : So, since Eggsy and I have a very much overlapped friend group, rather than having a stag do each we’ve decided on a night in at ours with as much alcohol and takeaway we can get down our necks

 **rmorton** : count me in 

 **Emrys** : I would never miss your stag do, even if it is a piss up at home. I’ll bring some of my good scotch. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Excellent

 **Emrys** : Will Mark be coming? 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ve texted him but it depends if they’re in the country or can find a babysitter

 **(h)Arthur** : They’ll definitely be at the wedding

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we’ll be sending the wedding invites out soon but if you’re in this chat you’re invited 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : same for the do the night before you’re all invited 

 **(h)Arthur** : The invites would have been out sooner if someone was able to decide how to write our names 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we’re not having harry and fucking gary on the invites 

 **(h)Arthur** : They're our names darling 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but harry and gary though 

 **TooMuchTequila** : your name is gary? lmao

 **scrambled_eggsy** : yeah but the only people who call me it were my headteacher at secondary and my mum when she’s pissed off at me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : then she brings out my full name and i hide 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and anyway if i have to have my real name on the invites so should harry 

 **rmorton** : his name isn’t harry?

 **(h)Arthur** : My brother and I were named after our grandfathers, Mark and Henry, but since I spent a lot of time with my namesake, our family called me Harry so we didn’t get mixed up 

 **rmorton** : anyone else go by a nickname we don’t know about 

 **Emrys** : My initials are HH but that’s all you’re getting out of me.

 **Emrys** : Harry still hasn’t returned my monogrammed socks.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you mean the posh socks are yours?

 **Emrys** : Indeed. I thought I’d lost them until I spotted Harry wearing them.

 **(h)Arthur** : No, those are mine. We bought a pair each, remember?

 **Emrys** : And somehow you now own two pairs and I have none.

 **PercivalM** : It’s going to be umbrellas at dawn at this rate.

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ll buy you a new pair for your birthday

 **scrambled_eggsy** : when is merlin’s birthday?

 **Emrys** : Classified.

 **(h)Arthur** : Now that’s something I won’t share, you can have his name but you’ll have to use your hacking skills to find out his birthday

 **rmorton** : harry, what’s his surname at least?

 **(h)Arthur** : His surname is Hadden

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and the fact harry named the puppy after him should tell you his first name 

 **rmorton** : hamish suits him, is there a reason you go by merlin?

 **Emrys** : The same reason Eggsy goes by Eggsy. I’ve been called it for so long it’s just what I’m used to. 

 **TooMuchTequila** : none of you are gettin my name out of me 

 **TooMuchTequila** : or ginger’s for that matter 

 **NotGinger** : You don’t even know my name, Tequila.

 **TooMuchTequila** : yes i do you told me when we first met? you bribed me into behaving by telling me your name?

 **NotGinger** : And you made the mistake of believing me. :) 

 **TooMuchTequila** : damn

 **KingHesketh** : my name is Charles 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : to be fair we all work for a spy agency i’m surprised any of us use our real names 

: : 

 **Emrys** : Is anyone free to do some quick recon this evening? We’ve had a tip off and all our active agents are away on missions. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : sorry mate we’re on daisy duty tonight 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’d ask harry for you but he fell asleep ten minutes into frozen and i don’t have the heart to wake him up

 **PercivalM** : I would volunteer but my ribs aren’t quite healed yet and I’d rather not risk fracturing them again so soon.

 **rmorton** : i’m in sweden so.......

 **Ryan** : i’d do it but idk what that is 

 **jamal** : yeah send us we’ll do great on a recon mission 

 **Emrys** : Jamal, I need you at base and Ryan, Gwaine just brought in a taxi that he’s managed to blow two of the tyres on so if you want to work tonight there’s that. 

 **jamal** : lmao fine 

 **Ryan** : tell the garage i’ll be back soon i’m just out getting some dinner 

 **TooMuchTequila** : just send me if no one else can do it

 **Emrys** : Excellent, pop over to my office and I’ll give you your brief. 

 **TooMuchTequila** : gimme ten minutes i’m at hq but i’m already in my pjs lmao 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s seven pm?

 **TooMuchTequila** : yeah and? 

 **TooMuchTequila** : england is still too cold for me

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you can just say you were in bed mate harry’s been asleep like an hour already  

 **TooMuchTequila** : fuck yeah i’m in bed knitted blankets and tv and everything

 **TooMuchTequila** : i like the soaps you guys have on tv here 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s fair 

 **TooMuchTequila** : coming down now merlin 

 **Emrys** : Door is unlocked.

: : 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hey t just told my baby sis about you and showed her a photo and i’ve never seen a kid lose their shit so hard 

 **> Tilde<**: Omg?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : she’s also really upset with me that i never introduced you to her she’s so excited to meet an actual princess

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i didn’t tell her about the queen thing because she would have totally and utterly lost her shit and it’s nearly her bedtime

 **> Tilde<**: Aw, I can’t wait to meet her. If she’s anything like you and Michelle I know I’ll love her

 **rmorton** : why did daisy never meet tilde if you don’t mind me asking?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : well there was the v-day shit show and tidying up and tilde was really busy sorting stuff out and then afterwards dais had just started school and her after school clubs and then there was poppy and everyone’s schedules never matched up 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : they lived with me on the mews and moved into my kingsman property when i told mum tilde was moving in with me 

 **(h)Arthur** : Your mother lived here? 

 **(h)Arthur** : I can’t imagine she approved of my decorating 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : she didn’t at all lmao not that she could talk with all her little cat figurines 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : she threatened to redecorate but dais liked the butterflies so we left them

 **> Tilde<**: Mr Pickle moved into the dining room for a while, didn’t he 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he did, he wanted to feel like part of the family

 **scrambled_eggsy** : he’s back in the loo again now bless him 

 **(h)Arthur** : Hamish hasn’t spotted him yet 

 **Emrys** : That’s surprising considering you seem to carry him everywhere.

 **(h)Arthur** : He needs to learn about the world around him and he’s only small, how else will he see the house?

 **Emrys** : Let me know when your anniversary is so I can buy you matching Dog Dad t-shirts. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : why am i getting a shirt

 **Emrys** : Because you’re as bad as Harry is for carrying JB everywhere.

 **scrambled_eggsy** : no im not 

 **rmorton** : eggsy there has not been a time where you haven’t been holding jb when you’ve answered the door to me 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that’s because he’s a little shit and if i don’t he’ll run out 

 **rmorton** : and because you like holding him 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : fine that too 

 **> Tilde<**: But how will you manage to carry both JB and Junior?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : one of those double baby carriers?

 **Emrys** : Eggsy, no.

 **rmorton** : eggsy........

 **(h)Arthur** : No, Eggsy 


	21. scrambled_eggsy: fuck im hungover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : fuck im hungover 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : do we have to do the wedding today or can it wait til my head stops pounding 
> 
> **Emrys** : Harry isn’t even awake yet so you’re already doing better than he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2018 is great for you all! Here's the chapter I've been threatening since chapter nine~
> 
> (And thank you for almost 300 subscribers to this fic! (´・ω・`) )

**rmorton** : who has eggsy? 

**rmorton** : we’re supposed to be going to his mums soon and he’s wandered off 

**PercivalM** : He can’t be far, the house isn’t that big.

**Ryan** : he’s probably asleep somewhere with jb

**Emrys** : He’s with me.

**Emrys** :  _sleepyeggsy.jpg_

**Emrys** : He sat on the arm of the chair to talk to me and ended up sliding over and, as Ryan predicted, fell asleep on me.

**rmorton** : just poke him awake he’s usually a pretty light sleeper

**Emrys** : I tried but the lad has hold of my jumper and he’s got a strong grip.

**rmorton** : let me find jamal 

**jamal** : good luck waking him up 

**jamal** : he sleeps like the dead if he’s got a bit of alcohol in him

**rmorton** : can you help wake him up enough for me to get him into my taxi

**rmorton** : or give merlin a hand carrying him

**jamal** : yeah i can try 

**rmorton** : hey merlin are you and harry staying here tonight or are you going to your flat?

**Emrys** : We’ll be staying here, I’d rather not put my back out trying to get Harry into my car.

**rmorton** : tequila? where are you guys staying?

**TooMuchTequila** : we’re in a hotel near king’s cross and we’re gonna drive up to the hesketh’s in the morning 

**rmorton** : percival?

**PercivalM** : I’m on Harry and Eggsy’s couch tonight.

**rmorton** : looks like jamal managed to get eggsy into my car so we’ll see you all tomorrow 

**Emrys** : See you both tomorrow.

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck im hungover 

**scrambled_eggsy** : do we have to do the wedding today or can it wait til my head stops pounding 

**Emrys** : Harry isn’t even awake yet so you’re already doing better than he is.

**Emrys** :  _bedhead.jpg_

**rmorton** : they aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding merlin! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : bless him he always sleeps like that with the covers all the way up 

**scrambled_eggsy** : stroke his hair for me? 

**Emrys** : No, Eggsy.

**rmorton** : you can stroke his hair all you like later on after you’re married 

**KingHesketh** : isn’t this why you decided to have the wedding this afternoon instead of this morning

**scrambled_eggsy** : true

**Emrys** : I assume you made it to your mother’s safely?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah we made it dais thought it was hilarious that me and rox were stumbling around into walls and we woke up on the sofa and dais had made a blanket and cuddly toy fortress around us 

**PercivalM** : The image of that is rather sweet actually.

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox hasn’t actually emerged from her blanket cocoon yet

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _fuckmornings.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’s got a cup of tea and cereal in there somewhere

**rmorton** : thanks for sharing that eggsy

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey t?

**> Tilde<**: Yes?

**TooMuchTequila** : what?

**scrambled_eggsy** : t for tilde sorry tequila

**TooMuchTequila** : it's cool

**scrambled_eggsy** : my mum is looking for you, she said she’d walk to your seats with you

**> Tilde<**: I’ve just arrived, shall I come round to the back garden?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah ill let her know you’re here

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : okay who told harry to leave his hair curly today 

**Emrys** : You’re welcome. 

: :

**PercivalM** : Eggsy, your grandmother is fantastic. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i mean i know that but what did she do this time

**PercivalM** : When you squeezed Harry’s arse during the vows she turned to me and said, “That’s my Eggsy, I did the same when I married his grandpa.”

**scrambled_eggsy** : lmao 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and you all wonder where i get my sense of humour from 

**PercivalM** : She also said she knew your father had chosen Michelle well when she did the same to him at their wedding.

**scrambled_eggsy** : sounds about right 

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’s an unwin but she’s always loved my mum 

**PercivalM** : She’s hilarious and was laughing so much when Harry picked you up. 

**Emrys** : And yes, Eggsy, we have it on film from several different angles. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh fuck 

**(h)Arthur** : Excellent

**Emrys** : I’ve never heard a sound quite like the one you made in surprise.

**PercivalM** : Here’s my angle. 

**PercivalM** :  _vows.vid_

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin.........

**Emrys** : Yes?

**scrambled_eggsy** : were you crying 

**Emrys** : I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**scrambled_eggsy** : i def saw you swipe at your eyes there you were crying weren’t you

**Emrys** : I had pollen in my eye. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : meeeeerliiiiiiiin

**Emrys** : Alright, fine. 

**Emrys** : It isn’t every day you get to marry two of your closest friends to each other. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : love you too merls

**(h)Arthur** : :) 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey has anyone seen rox it’s nearly time for speeches 

**Emrys** : She isn’t with us. 

**PercivalM** : We haven’t seen her in about half an hour. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : its cool ill find her 

**scrambled_eggsy** : charlie why the fuck is your grandma’s garden so big 

: : 

**KingHesketh** : did I just see JB and co. wearing little bowties and suits

**(h)Arthur** : You did

**KingHesketh** : okay 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : HOLY SHIT 

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _omg.jpg_

**rmorton** : eggsy you’re a terrible spy i hope you know you literally just squawked 

**scrambled_eggsy** : did you just propose to tilde???????

**rmorton** : i did not 

**scrambled_eggsy** : then what the fuck was that bruv 

**rmorton** : it was a promise ring 

**rmorton** : i’ve wanted to give her something for a while since we don’t know if we’ll ever actually get married and when i saw that i knew i had to buy it 

**> Tilde<**: Isn’t it beautiful?

**> Tilde<**: _ring.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : !!!!!!

**> Tilde<**: :D

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : you know, i really appreciated you guys calling your best men speech eggsy’s greatest hits

**scrambled_eggsy** : makes me sound cooler than i actually am

**jamal** : we originally called it five times he got arrested and one time he met his future husband but it didn’t have the same ring to it

**rmorton** : i enjoyed merlin’s speech, the pictures really helped tell the story

**Emrys** : Thank you, I’ve been collecting things for years to make it as embarrassing as possible. 

**(h)Arthur** : And embarrassing it was 

**(h)Arthur** : Did you really have to include photos with the unfortunate sunburn in Greece story?

**Emrys** : I felt a visual aid would make the story more compelling. 

**rmorton** : and that it did

: :

**rmorton** : you know after joining kingsman i’ve had the opportunity to travel the world and see such amazing things not many people our age could 

**rmorton** : and yet my favourite so far is seeing percy dad-dancing with merlin

**scrambled_eggsy** : please say you filmed it 

**rmorton** : of course i did 

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : hey so we’re leaving soon but could one of you guys maybe check the basement 

**Emrys** : If you’re trying to prank us, know it won’t work. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : nah not this time there’s a guy we tied up down there and we didn’t want charlie’s gran to find him first

**Emrys** : Excuse me?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah you know how i told harry not to jinx the wedding 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he did 

**scrambled_eggsy** : spent the whole day thinking something’s gotta go wrong and now

**(h)Arthur** : At least we got to him before he could cause any trouble 

**rmorton** : what 

**KingHesketh** : what the fuck? 

**(h)Arthur** : Your grandmother told us we could help ourselves to a bottle from the wine cellar as a wedding gift so we went down to choose one and bumped into a gentleman who was not on the invitation list and was certainly not following our one weapon only rule

**scrambled_eggsy** : we got him tho so it’s okay 

**scrambled_eggsy** : dunno how he snuck in but he called us our codenames so he probably wasn’t good 

**PercivalM** : I’ll fetch him, I should be heading home soon so I’ll drop him at HQ on the way. 

**rmorton** : should you be driving percival? 

**PercivalM** : I haven’t had a drop of alcohol today, so if anyone would like a lift home let me know. 

**rmorton** : but you danced with merlin? 

**PercivalM** : I do know how to dance. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : that’s a questionable statement looking at rox’s video 

**PercivalM** : I said I know how to dance not that I’m good at it.

**scrambled_eggsy** : that’s fair

**NotGinger** : Would you mind giving us a lift back to our hotel, Percival? 

**PercivalM** : Certainly, there’ll be room for the four of you.

**NotGinger** : Thank you, we’ll meet you at the front of the house.

**NotGinger** : Tequila, go down to the basement and help Percival?

**TooMuchTequila** : yes ma’am

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m so full i shouldn’t have gone back for that sixth plate at the buffet

**Ryan** : marriage has changed you eggs

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ve been married nine hours 

**Ryan** : says the guy who ate eight plates no problem last time we went to a buffet

**jamal** : to be fair he struggled with that eighth plate 

**scrambled_eggsy** : pete’s put the partition up so i’m just having a lie down on the backseat before we get home 

**(h)Arthur** : He demanded I stroke his hair and I’d complain about creasing your suit but it got rather wrinkled when you let Daisy wear your jacket

**scrambled_eggsy** : it’s going to the dry cleaners anyway

**rmorton** : and “demanded” like harry ever passes on the chance to touch eggsy’s hair

**jamal** : when are you guys leaving? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we’re going home for tonight and getting the train to york tomorrow lunchtime 

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin is looking after the dogs and we’re back on thursday but i’ll text when we get there 

**(h)Arthur** : As the most senior agents, Merlin and Percival are in charge until I return 

**Emrys** : :)

**rmorton** : that’s an ominous smiley face if i ever saw one 


	22. Emrys: No comment.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **jamal** : i know michelle raised you better than to put your shoes on the bed eggsy 
> 
> **scrambled_eggsy** : technically they’re hanging off the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really liked Percival's new outfit on the Kingsman mobile game so the first section was totally inspired by that~ And happy birthday to this fic! (I can't believe I've been doing this for a year now)
> 
> Also tchallamets on tumblr made some really cool graphics for this fic which you can see [here](http://tchallamets.tumblr.com/post/170046317200)!

**rmorton** : this chat is weirdly quiet without eggsy 

**Emrys** : I’m surprised Harry managed to convince him to switch off his phone.

**rmorton** : eggsy texted to say he was switching off his mobile data and you don’t want to know what harry bribed him with

**Emrys** : Bribery is always a good start to a marriage. 

**rmorton** : by the way, merlin, that was a nice duffel coat you were wearing today but i feel like i’ve seen it before

**rmorton** :  _percycoat.jpg_

**Emrys** : No comment. 

**rmorton** : please do comment 

**rmorton** : tilde had to go take a meeting on skype and i’m bored

**Emrys** : He left it at the shop and I didn’t have enough hands to carry it to HQ so I put it on and discovered how warm it is. I was waiting to see if he noticed. 

**PercivalM** : I noticed about a week ago. 

**Emrys** : ...Do you want it back?

**PercivalM** : It suits you better than it did me, keep it. 

**Emrys** : Are you sure? 

**PercivalM** : Yes, have it. I didn’t even know I’d lost it until I saw you wearing it.

**Emrys** : Oh, well, thank you. 

**PercivalM** : :) 

**rmorton** : eyes emoji

: :

**scrambled_eggsy** : look at our hotel room!!

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _room.jpg_

**jamal** : i know michelle raised you better than to put your shoes on the bed eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : technically they’re hanging off the end 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i kicked them off after the photo 

**Emrys** : What happened to switching your phones off?

**(h)Arthur** : We just wanted to let you all know we’ve arrived safely

**(h)Arthur** : And Eggsy wanted to share that photo

**Emrys** : Fair enough. 

**rmorton** : how was the journey?

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry bought the train tickets and didn’t tell me we were in first class 

**scrambled_eggsy** : free tea and wifi guys 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i forgot how nice york is 

**rmorton** : you’ve only been once haven’t you?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah when i was a kid we came up to visit my gran but i barely remember it 

**rmorton** : where else are you going? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we’re heading further north to northumberland to visit harry’s parents since i’ve not actually met them irl 

**Emrys** : They’re going to love you.

**scrambled_eggsy** : thanks merls 

**scrambled_eggsy** : gonna put my phone off now, we’re gonna go have lunch and explore a bit 

**rmorton** : have fun! 

**Emrys** : Enjoy yourselves!

: : 

**jamal** : hey mr current boss man 

**Emrys** : Yes?

**jamal** : are there any job openings at all? 

**jamal** : our mate brandon just quit his job and i know we’re not like agents or anything but kingsman has been great for me and ryan 

**Emrys** : Well, what are his strengths? 

**jamal** : he’s good with animals 

**jamal** : i know he used to dog sit for eggsy a lot 

**Ryan** : he met eggsy when they did gymnastics together 

**jamal** : oh yeah he’s great at parkour

**TooMuchTequila** : he looks real good in ya’ll’s glasses 

**rmorton** : down boy

**TooMuchTequila** : only speaking the truth 

**jamal** : sorry mate i don’t think he’s into blokes 

**TooMuchTequila** : “you think” isn’t 100% certain 

**jamal** : that’s true 

**Emrys** : We’ll have to wait until Harry is back to make any decisions but if you can get his CV to me, Jamal, I’ll certainly take a look at it. 

**jamal** : cool thanks merlin 

**jamal** : how long are you staying this time tequila? i know the others flew back to kentucky today

**TooMuchTequila** : for the forseeable tbh 

**TooMuchTequila** : i like it here and i know ya’ll are still short on agents 

**jamal** : in that case we’re meeting at the pub tonight for a pint and brandon and liam are coming if you want to join us 

**rmorton** : tilde and i will be there too 

**TooMuchTequila** : yeah sure just send me the address 

: : 

**(h)Arthur** :  _conqueredfears.jpg_

**rmorton** : is that......eggsy on a horse  

**(h)Arthur** : It is indeed

**scrambled_eggsy** : horse riding is actually pretty fun i only fell off once 

**(h)Arthur** : You mean you tried to get on the horse and slid over and fell off the other side 

**scrambled_eggsy** : .......no 

**(h)Arthur** :  _eggsyfall.vid_  

**rmorton** : lmao eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :/ 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it’s a good thing i know how to fall 

**rmorton** : so how did meeting the parents go?

**scrambled_eggsy** : pretty good i think 

**scrambled_eggsy** : like we’ve talked over skype and shit but it was nice to actually meet them face to face

**Emrys** : You’d certainly know if they didn’t like you. 

**(h)Arthur** : Oh, they loved him 

**(h)Arthur** : I think they wanted to keep him, mother especially

**Emrys** : Eggsy is very good at winning over parents. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : because i’m charming as fuck 

**Emrys** : Yes, you certainly are charming as fuck. 

**(h)Arthur** : Anyway, we’re spending the rest of today in Alnwick and we’re getting the train home tomorrow morning so we’d best log off again for now 

**rmorton** : have fun, see you guys tomorrow 

**rmorton** : i expect no less than a photo slideshow of your trip eggsy 

**scrambled_eggsy** : no worries there rox i’ve taken plenty see you soon

: : 

**Emrys** :  _dogreunion.vid_

**Emrys** : I don’t know who missed who more, Harry or the dogs. 

**rmorton** : that is the cutest thing 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s still on the floor with them 

**Emrys** : To be fair, when he tried to stand up they started barking and you know how weak he is to big puppy eyes.

**(h)Arthur** : I’m fine down here 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you say that now but you’ll be complaining about your back later

**(h)Arthur** : Darling, if I can carry your arse through the entirety of HQ and not complain, I’m sure I’ll be fine on the floor for an hour

**(h)Arthur** : Now, what was this about your friend, Brandon, Jamal?

**jamal** : oh yeah we were just wondering if there was an opening for our mate at all? 

**jamal** : cool if not but thought it was worth asking 

**(h)Arthur** : Well, Merlin has just been catching me up with everything and I’ve had a glance at his CV and it seems he’d be a good addition to Kingsman

**(h)Arthur** : Obviously, we’ll have to run our usual checks but I’m sure we’ll be more than happy to welcome him 

**jamal** : cool! 

**Ryan** : awesome haz! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : is liam alright btw? haven’t spoken to him in a bit 

**Ryan** : yeah he just moved in with his girlfriend and the guy at the black prince finally let him loose in the kitchen solo 

**jamal** : bruv you seriously need to go there soon liam’s fish and chips are aces

**jamal** : he’s like 100x better than their last chef 

**scrambled_eggsy** : good on him! if brandon takes the job here we’ll have to go celebrate at the prince so we can bother liam 

**jamal** : it’s a plan 


	23. scrambled_eggsy: harry you ARE a butterfly guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : wait so i didn’t know percival was a gymnast????
> 
> **Emrys** : You didn’t pick that up from your sparring sessions?

**(h)Arthur** : So, apparently Eggsy now needs glasses 

**(h)Arthur** : _scholarlyegg.jpg_

**rmorton** : aw they suit him

**Emrys** : He didn’t want frames like his Kingsman glasses? He knows I can put his prescription in, doesn’t he? 

**(h)Arthur** : He knew but he wanted something different 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it isn’t that big of a deal i only need them for reading and close-up shit because i was getting headaches 

**scrambled_eggsy** : and jb already slobbered on them 

**Emrys** : I thought you were going to say Harry had. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah he has too that was unavoidable 

**scrambled_eggsy** : apparently he likes glasses

**Emrys** : You can say that again. 

**Emrys** : Send me your prescription and I’ll change your work glasses so you can see things properly on missions. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : will do 

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : wait so i didn’t know percival was a gymnast????

**Emrys** : You didn’t pick that up from your sparring sessions? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : no rox just told me 

**Emrys** : The fact he can stand and raise his foot above his head didn’t tip you off? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : nope

**PercivalM** : I only trained until I was 17, and then I joined the army. Team GB had their eye on me for a while but I eventually had to stop due to a knee injury. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : huh 

**scrambled_eggsy** : they were interested in me when i was a kid but we couldn’t afford for me to keep it up and dean was a dick about it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : came in useful for parkour tho 

**PercivalM** : I can imagine, I’ve dabbled in parkour but it was never really my thing. It got me out of a few tight spots on missions.

**PercivalM** : Good for making a quick exit. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you can say that again mate 

**jamal** : remember when you fell off the roof of our flat block

**scrambled_eggsy** : you mean do i remember when i broke my leg and mum lost her shit when she found out how i did it 

**scrambled_eggsy** : learned how to do it properly after that and not hurt myself since 

**jamal** : still fall off buildings tho

**scrambled_eggsy** : that’s like a regular thing at kingsman now to be fair

**Emrys** : My blood pressure certainly knows that. 

: : 

**rmorton** :  _eggsyonice.vid_

**scrambled_eggsy** : why’d you have to share that 

**scrambled_eggsy** : just after i was boasting about gymnastics 

**rmorton** : you were so graceful eggsy

**jamal** : thank you for cutting off the video just as i fell 

**rmorton** : you’re welcome 

**PercivalM** : This is what you get up to on your days off? 

**Emrys** : You’d all better come back in one piece. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : aw merlin i knew you cared 

**Emrys** : I care about the mission you’re going on tomorrow evening. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’m fine just a bruised arse 

**scrambled_eggsy** : my ego is a bit bruised too

**jamal** : we got talking to a few of the people there and eggsy was trying to copy them  

**scrambled_eggsy** : so were you 

**jamal** : and i was on my arse twice to your seventeen bruv 

**(h)Arthur** : Is this why you have a bruise on your chin in that selfie you sent me, Eggsy? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : maybe 

**rmorton** : yes 

**rmorton** : he faceplanted once or twice 

**jamal** : he might need you to kiss it better ;) 

**scrambled_eggsy** : are you flirting with harry for me? 

**jamal** : yeah 

**(h)Arthur** : Thank you, Jamal

**jamal** : welcome bruv 

: :

**jamal** : hey so we were chatting and wanted to ask what all of you guys would be doing if you hadn’t joined kingsman? 

**rmorton** : we is jamal, eggsy, ryan, me and tilde by the way

**Emrys** : I’m sure I’ve mentioned wanting to be a stunt driver before. 

**Emrys** : It was either that or something tech related. 

**PercivalM** : I was doing rather well in the army when I was picked for my candidacy, as was Roxy in the Navy.

**rmorton** : that i was 

**(h)Arthur** : Lepidopterist

**(h)Arthur** : Although you all knew that

**TooMuchTequila** : a butterfly guy 

**(h)Arthur** : Yes, Tequila, a butterfly guy

**scrambled_eggsy** : harry you ARE a butterfly guy 

**TooMuchTequila** : i was a rodeo clown before champ picked me up 

**TheChamp** : He was very good but I knew he could be an even better agent

**TooMuchTequila** : ;) 

**TheChamp** : Myself, I’ve worked for Statesman since I was a teenager. I started as a tour guide and worked my way up to being an agent and eventually took the Champagne mantle

**NotGinger** : I was doing well as a hacker before Champ offered me my position.

**jamal** : relatable 

**KingHesketh** : I was going to take over my father’s business 

**KingHesketh** : it went under after v-day and people found out he’d been in on it 

**jamal** : it’s interesting seeing what you all would have done wow

: : 

**rmorton** :  _matchingpjs.jpg_

**rmorton** : tilde got us matching poodle onesies 

**scrambled_eggsy** : MOOD 

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _pjboys.jpg_

**rmorton** : how did you get harry to wear a pug onesie? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : mum bought it for him after i told her he’d been stealing mine

**rmorton** : had he?

**scrambled_eggsy** : yep i have photo proof of him in the kitchen holding jb but i think he’ll kick me off the sofa if i send them 

**(h)Arthur** : Too right I will

**(h)Arthur** : They’re rather cosy and JB and co like to cuddle up inside

**rmorton** : i doubt merlot would fit

**scrambled_eggsy** : have you tried 

**rmorton** : no but im about to 

**> Tilde<**:  _dogcuddles.jpg_

**> Tilde<**: She fits but I no longer have my cuddle partner :( 

**KingHesketh** :  _dogpillow.jpg_

**KingHesketh** : Mia lets me use her as a pillow sometimes 

**scrambled_eggsy** : never thought i’d use adorable to describe anything charlie does but here we are 

: : 

**Emrys** : Good news, lads, Brandon’s background checks went through without a hitch and he accepted the job offer. He’ll be starting in the kennels next week, working with the dogs. 

**jamal** : thanks merlin! 

**Ryan** : awesome! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : can we add him here? 

**Emrys** : Of course.

**jamal** _added_ **Brand0n** _to the chat_

**Brand0n** : i thought the company was called Kingsman?

**rmorton** : it was eggsy’s idea

**Brand0n** : makes sense 

**rmorton** : welcome though, you’ll love working here 

**Emrys** : You’ve known Eggsy a while, haven’t you, Brandon?

**Brand0n** : yeah we met at gymnastics when we were about seven i couldn’t believe it when you told me this is a spy agency i always knew eggs would end up doing something cool 

**scrambled_eggsy** : :)

**Brand0n** : jk i've known for months lmao 

**scrambled_eggsy** : what 

**Brand0n** : the decks you have on your desk are the wrong way bruv thought you were in a gang or something til i had a go with your glasses 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you found my stuff?? i thought you just found my lighter?

**Brand0n** : and a load of weapons and shit yeah when i was watching jb for you

**Brand0n** : didn’t bring it up because things went to shit and i didn’t get the chance to mention it 

**Brand0n** : it all makes sense now 

**scrambled_eggsy** : come to the house tomorrow morning and you can come in with me 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll show you round hq before you start officially and merlin can get you on the system

**Brand0n** : will i finally get to properly meet this man of yours 

**scrambled_eggsy** : if you come after breakfast sure thing 

**(h)Arthur** : I can be a bit of a monster before my morning tea

**Brand0n** : aren’t we all 

**jamal** : everyone except eggsy 

**rmorton** : if there’s one thing that irks me about eggsy it’s how perky he is in a morning 

**KingHesketh** : remember in training when he was up exercising at the crack of fucking dawn even on our days off? 

**rmorton** : ugh 

**scrambled_eggsy** : love you guys too 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question: would any of you guys be interested in reading snippet ficlets of extended scenes from this story? There's a few sections where I've really wanted to write more but wasn't able to because of the format so if there's the interest I'd definitely like to publish at least a few little stories~


	24. scrambled_eggsy: jb was so offended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **(h)Arthur** : Any tips on what to do with a wet mobile phone?
> 
>  **rmorton** : putting it near a radiator worked for me in the past
> 
>  **KingHesketh** : rice 
> 
> **Emrys** : Buy a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the positive feedback on the extended scenes idea and the last chapter! Hoping to get the first ficlet posted soon, but I'll put this fic and the ficlet collection into a series together so anyone who's interested can find it easily~

**scrambled_eggsy** : helllo

 **rmorton** : hey eggs

 **rmorton** : how’s it going?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hjkkjkhhg

 **scrambled_eggsy** : hhi

 **rmorton** : are you okay eggsy? 

 **rmorton** : have you been drinking? 

 **(h)Arthur** : And without me? 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : eggy,,

 **rmorton** : ????

 **scrambled_eggsy** : shit sorry my sister grabbed my phone 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : she can use the tablet for games but she still hasn’t quite got the hang of touch screen keyboards yet

 **scrambled_eggsy** : and she’s fuckin fast when you have something in your hand that she wants

 **rmorton** : bless her 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : harry, there’s a beer in the fridge with your name on it and a five year old asking when you’ll be home where are you?

 **(h)Arthur** : You can tell her I’m on my way now, I’m just leaving the shop 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : nope no way 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : last time i told her you’d be back soon she sat at the window with the dogs looking all sad until you were home 

 **(h)Arthur** : And I recall you were sat with them looking just as sad

 **rmorton** : aaand no one is surprised by that

 **scrambled_eggsy** : we missed you :( 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’m ten minutes away and I’ll pick up some ice cream on the way

 **scrambled_eggsy** : :)))

: : 

 **KingHesketh** : Merlin? 

 **KingHesketh** : Merlin, it’s urgent

 **Emrys** : Yes?

 **KingHesketh** : my arm is broken 

 **Emrys** : Please tell me you weren’t fighting with Eggsy again. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : oi guv why do you always blame me 

 **jamal** : because it usually is your fault mate

 **Emrys** : My prosthetics don’t break easily and when the two of you spar it gets violent.

 **KingHesketh** : it wasn’t Eggsy this time 

 **rmorton** : sorry merlin 

 **Emrys** : Roxy?? 

 **rmorton** : we were sparring, i went to kick him, and he blocked me 

 **KingHesketh** : and now I can only move my fingers 

 **Emrys** : Come down to my office and I’ll see what I can do. We might have to temporarily swap it depending on the damage. 

 **rmorton** : i was only wearing trainers :( 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : mate you say that like you didn’t almost break my shin when you tried to kick my legs out from under me barefoot

 **scrambled_eggsy** : there’s a reason you beat us to lancelot and i wouldn’t want to be on your wrong side in the field

 **KingHesketh** : she’s small but mighty 

 **rmorton** : you can bet your arse i am 

 **Emrys** : Bloody agents.

: : 

 **(h)Arthur** : Any tips on what to do with a wet mobile phone?

 **rmorton** : putting it near a radiator worked for me in the past

 **KingHesketh** : rice 

 **Emrys** : Buy a new one.

 **(h)Arthur** : Any tips on making Eggsy stop laughing? 

 **Ryan** : give him a little kick in the back of his right knee 

 **jamal** : he’s ticklish on his stomach 

 **rmorton** : what do you usually do? kiss him? 

 **(h)Arthur** : Usually just squeezing his arse distracts him enough but he’s been laughing for half an hour now

 **Emrys** : What did you do this time? And how are you on here if your phone is wet? 

 **(h)Arthur** : I dropped it into JB’s water dish so I’m having to use my tablet 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m cryign 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : when i think of someone dropping their phone like that i think of me not harry fuckin hart

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i mean it’s easy done but you should have heard how he shouted lmao 

 **(h)Arthur** : :/

 **rmorton** : what were you doing to drop it in a dog dish?

 **(h)Arthur** : I was trying to take a photo

 **scrambled_eggsy** : jb and jr were sharing it so he was crouched to take a picture and it sort of fell in slo mo that’s why i was laughing so much 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : jb was so offended 

 **rmorton** : not to laugh but lmao

 **Emrys** : If you would like a new one, I have a new prototype I wouldn’t mind being tested out?

 **(h)Arthur** : I suppose so 

 **(h)Arthur** : Will you be able to transfer my contacts and photos? I have a lot of pictures I’d rather not lose

 **Emrys** : You’re on the Kingsman server so it won’t be any trouble to transfer your thousands of photos of the dogs 

 **(h)Arthur** : I don’t just have photos of the dogs, there’s other important things on there

 **Emrys** : Like your photos of Eggsy. 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’d say those are v important guv ;)

 **(h)Arthur** : Absolutely 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : omg you’d better not have lost that one photo 

 **(h)Arthur** : Which photo?

 **scrambled_eggsy** : you know 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : that one 

 **(h)Arthur** : You’ve lost me, darling 

 **rmorton** : it’s a naked photo isn’t it 

 **(h)Arthur** : OH

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’m trying so hard not to outright say it’s a nude

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it’s a nude

 **scrambled_eggsy** : BUT LISTEN RIGHT 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : it was so artistic and the lighting was perfect it could have been in a fucking museum 

 **rmorton** : we’ll take your word for it 

 **(h)Arthur** : It is a very tasteful picture 

 **(h)Arthur** : You’ve probably all seen it anyway, Eggsy cropped it to just his face and set it as my lock screen for weeks until I replaced it with a wedding photo

 **rmorton** : ooh that one 

 **rmorton** : okay eggsy i’ll give you that the lighting was very good 

 **(h)Arthur** : So, Merlin, when can I pop in?

 **Emrys** : I’m transferring all your data to the new phone now so whenever you have a moment. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Thank you Merlin 

 **Emrys** : Or, I’m hoping to leave HQ in about an hour. If you’ve baked recently I wouldn’t mind popping in to drop it off on my way home. 

 **(h)Arthur** : How convenient that I made your favourite scones this morning 

 **scrambled_eggsy** : i’ll get a teapot on 

 **Emrys** : See you both soon. 

: : 

 **Emrys** : Always a nice greeting at the Unwin-Harts.

 **Emrys** : _doggreetings.jpg_

 **scrambled_eggsy** : who wouldn’t want to be bombarded by three tiny dogs when they get home? 

 **Emrys** : Dogs, tea, and scones. I might permanently move into the guest room.

 **(h)Arthur** : You’d really want to live with me again?

 **Emrys** : On second thought, maybe not. 

 **Emrys** : Enjoy your new phone. 

 **PercivalM** : Are we all going to get these? 

 **Emrys** : Possibly, yes. Once I get some feedback from Harry, I’ll look into distributing them among the agents. 

 **(h)Arthur** : I’ve only had a little play with it since you left but the camera is excellent 

 **Emrys** : It’s 100% Kingsman tech and I’ve been working on it for years so it should be almost perfect. I know what you’re like with phones so you’re my ideal guinea pig for this. 

 **(h)Arthur** : Thank you

 **(h)Arthur** : I think


	25. (h)Arthur: Language, Merlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **scrambled_eggsy** : we’re all idiots 
> 
> **Emrys** : Excuse me?
> 
> **rmorton** : what? 
> 
> **(h)Arthur** : Just humour him, please, he woke me up at 6am about it this morning and it’s all he’s talked about since

**Brand0n** : AAAAA

**Brand0n** : _puppypile.jpg_

**scrambled_eggsy** : AAAAA

**rmorton** : AAAAA

**jamal** : AAAAA

**Ryan** : AAAAA

**TooMuchTequila** : AAAAA

**scrambled_eggsy** : are they the new puppies?????

**Brand0n** : aren’t they all adorable???

**Brand0n** : i get paid to look after puppies, this is the best job ever 

**TooMuchTequila** : oh man

**TooMuchTequila** : hey ginger, can you guys bring rosie with you next time you come over, i miss her

**scrambled_eggsy** : who the fuck is rosie 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you got a gf you been keeping a secret or something 

**NotGinger** : Rosie is Tequila’s dog. She’s been living with me since he left for England.

**NotGinger** : You’re planning on staying for now, Tequila?

**TooMuchTequila** : yeah i like it here 

**TooMuchTequila** : merlin said he’ll help me find an apartment and put in kingsman security and shit

**NotGinger** : I’m coming over to London for a meeting in about a month if you can wait that long to see her. 

**TooMuchTequila** : yeah that’s cool thanks ginger i owe you one 

**NotGinger** : Where are you staying now? I hope they’re treating you right over there. 

**TooMuchTequila** : i’m good ginger you don’t have to worry

**TooMuchTequila** : got a room at hq and started organizing my things to be sent over so when i get my apartment i’ll have my own stuff 

**NotGinger** : That’s good to hear Tequila. :) 

**NotGinger** :  _rosie.jpg_

**NotGinger** : This is from our park walk this weekend. 

**TooMuchTequila** : there’s my girl! 

**scrambled_eggsy** : she’s adorable t 

**(h)Arthur** : What breed is she?

**TooMuchTequila** : bloodhound

**TooMuchTequila** : this is the longest i’ve been away from her since i got her when i was hired as an agent

**TooMuchTequila** : didn’t think i’d miss her this much 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i know the feeling. the only pet i had growing up was a goldfish so i didn’t know if i’d be able to bond with a puppy when merlin gave us them 

**scrambled_eggsy** : dunno what i’d do without the little shit now

**scrambled_eggsy** : it feels weird when i’m away from the dogs for more than a few days 

**TooMuchTequila** : once she’s here i’ll bring her over for you to meet her 

**rmorton** : puppy party? 

**scrambled_eggsy** : fuck yeah

**Emrys** : Sounds like Harry’s heaven. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he’s just finished sorting the garden so if we have it on a nice day we can do a bbq 

**TooMuchTequila** : nice 

**scrambled_eggsy** : ginger you coming too?

**NotGinger** : I’d love to. I’ll let you know when I’ll be over, but I should be in the country for at least a week. 

**TooMuchTequila** : looking forward to it ginger 

: :

**KingHesketh** : fuck you unwin 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i don’t know any unwins here in this chat

**KingHesketh** : fuck you unwin-hart

**scrambled_eggsy** : :) 

**KingHesketh** : nearly breaking my fucking arm a week after merlin fixes it 

**Emrys** : Eggsy did what. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : emphasis on nearly bruv 

**scrambled_eggsy** : i didn’t actually break it this time 

**KingHesketh** : this time 

**KingHesketh** : arse

**scrambled_eggsy** : xoxo

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we’re all idiots 

**Emrys** : Excuse me?

**rmorton** : what? 

**(h)Arthur** : Just humour him, please, he woke me up at 6am about it this morning and it’s all he’s talked about since

**scrambled_eggsy** : we’ve been calling hq the manor or just hq 

**scrambled_eggsy** : when all this time we could have been calling it camelot 

**scrambled_eggsy** : it’s 2018 guys we’re not in 1919 anymore 

**Emrys** : I’m more surprised you actually remember when Kingsman was founded.

**scrambled_eggsy** : everyone likes to forget about my high iq

**scrambled_eggsy** : and contrary to popular belief i did listen to harry that first day as well as stare at his arse 

**scrambled_eggsy** : multi-tasking bruv

**PercivalM** : I have to agree with you, we should rename HQ to Camelot, it sounds much more welcoming. 

**PercivalM** : Home of King Arthur, his knights, and Eggsyscalibur. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : merlin.......

**Emrys** : No. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : spoilsport 

**Emrys** : We are not changing your code name to Eggsyscalibur. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you’re no fun 

**Emrys** : Boo fucking hoo. 

: : 

**Emrys** : Vodka. 

**Emrys** : Gummy. 

**Emrys** : Bears. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you’re welcome 

**Emrys** : Harry, why have we never made these?

**(h)Arthur** : Because they’re lethal

**scrambled_eggsy** : so merlin’s head goes bright pink when he’s off his face 

**(h)Arthur** : Have you managed to get Merlin drunk at work?

**scrambled_eggsy** : ....maybe 

**scrambled_eggsy** : technically he’s done for the day 

**rmorton** : he can still type pretty well though 

**scrambled_eggsy** : he can still type but his accent is so strong i can barely understand him right now

**scrambled_eggsy** : care to come translate, harry?

**(h)Arthur** : If it means I get to see him drunk on gummy sweets then absolutely. I’ll be down shortly

: : 

**scrambled_eggsy** : would i be a good dad 

**rmorton** : harry suddenly just looked very nervous 

**rmorton** : something you’d like to share eggsy?

**scrambled_eggsy** : don’t worry we’ve been using protection

**scrambled_eggsy** : had like three people tell me im a responsible young father while i was out with daisy today 

**scrambled_eggsy** : they always walk away before i can explain im her brother 

**rmorton** : you are very good with kids, i don’t even know what to do with them when someone hands me one 

**scrambled_eggsy** : you always do great with daisy she loves you rox 

**rmorton** : honestly i just talk to her like i do to you 

**rmorton** : but edited to be child friendly 

**scrambled_eggsy** : yeah kids like that, she’s only five but she still loses her patience when people baby talk her

**Brand0n** : you’re an amazing pug dad eggsy

**jamal** : you’d better be using that mug we got you for your birthday

**scrambled_eggsy** : of course 

**scrambled_eggsy** :  _pugdaddy.jpg_

**(h)Arthur** : That mug makes Hamish very jealous 

**Emrys** : No, it doesn’t.

**Emrys** : Oh.

: : 

**Emrys** : Galahad, Lancelot. 

**scrambled_eggsy** : oh shit 

**Emrys** : My office. Now, please. 

**rmorton** : shit 

**scrambled_eggsy** : we didn’t mean to put the hole in the wall guv honest 

**Emrys** : You put a hole in the wall?

**rmorton** : just a small one 

**scrambled_eggsy** : barely there 

**Emrys** : How exactly did you manage to put a hole in the wall?

**scrambled_eggsy** : rox is strong as fuck

**scrambled_eggsy** : she may or may not have thrown me while we were sparring 

**rmorton** : and he may or may not have almost gone through the wall 

**Emrys** : For fuck’s sake.

**(h)Arthur** : Language, Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> Come party on my [tumblr](http://sherlocksbuttonhole.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
